Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Sometimes When Life Gives You Lemons

Yes, I know it’s Tuesday and not the usual Monday posting day. I’ve been unwell the last few days. Well perhaps the last few weeks, I’m loosing count at this point. But regardless, what a week.

I suffer from depression and sometimes it wins and sometimes feeding it bad things like alcohol, drugs, reckless behavior and a general toxic mix of nihilism with a dash of existential doom you get soup for brains and blank into the void eyes.

I know a lot of people that suffer from depression in varying degrees and it’s something that we all should talk more openly about. We should treat it like we treat physical sickness because it is. Our brains and bodies can literally be crippled by it sometimes.

I’m not going to get to deep on all of that because I don’t feel like it but I wanted to just be honest and to also do a brain exercise to make me well, feel better.

Below is a list of things that can help me, and maybe help you if you too are this way/get this way sometimes. Tomorrow is another day and sometimes when you are in a citric acid bath of the lemon that is life sometimes, you have to do what you can even if it’s tiny and sometimes feels impossible/irrelevant.

Talk to Someone, Anyone – Ugg, talking is just the worse but sometimes talking to someone, anyone, like literally the deli person, can help. Talking to friends, family is great but seriously, just talking, not even about anything in particular, can be a way to snap you back into real time and space.

Look At Art – Not online, go out to a gallery or museum and just look. It’s even better if the work is good but even if it’s bad at least you can grimace in your mind.

Shower – If I had access to an ocean or even a pool I’d say that but showers, we all have showers and all that stuff about water purifying and all that jazz is pretty true. Not a bath girl myself but if that’s your thing, go for it.

Walk/Run Outside – All those running freaks are pretty on point with this. Serotonin increase yay! Actual running, Boooo. But yes, they are right, it does make you feel better. If you hate running as much as I do, a long walk will help, not as much, but ya, it’s all good for you.

Go Outside – For those that can’t bare the thought of the above, fresh air on face = good.

Eat Treats – Sometimes if buying a giant sandwich, eating chips, drinking fizzy things, eating an orange, cheese slices, pasta, is what you need to get through the day (or whatever you want to eat) you should. You are probably doing it in you sweats anyways so indulge!

Clean – Sorry to be so lame but sometimes cleaning up what is around you is a great way to tangibly metaphor what you will/can do with that hot ass mess that is your life. But not for long! Haha take that dust bunnies and poor decisions!

Be Nice To Yourself – Sorry to end it all self-love fest but sometimes when these dips happen there is this vicious little monster (yourself) that is kicking the crap of your tired/sad actual self and making you feel even worse. It’s okay to feel shit and it’s okay if you regret like possibly the last 48 – 1,000 hours but hey, it’s really not that bad and people love you and sometimes life is shit but you will get better and even if you don’t, fuck it. You are you and you will always keep trying.

Lists – When all else fails, write a list. Like this one or whatever it is that drags you out of bed for at least a little bit.

Good morning, goodnight, whatever time it is, I hope you are feeling okay and if not, you’re not alone and it will get better. (Spring. Is. Coming.)

Monday, February 12, 2018

Lee Lozano

I’m in a Reading Group and for the next meeting we are reading Lee Lozano: Dropout Piece by Sarah Lehrer-Graiwer (Afterall Books). Everyone in art, and I guess possibly living life, should read this short tome (about 60ish pages). It’s out of print but if you are good at the internet you can download a PDF of it.

Lozano was a misfit, perhaps out of her mind in some ways, but her way of living life and her maniacal drive for rejection is impressive. Her most famous or, perhaps the most cumulatively famous works/pieces/actions, was her Dropout Piece, wherein she ‘dropped out’ of the art scene/art world/art-everything that she was deeply enmeshed in in 1960s NYC.

Anyone who is involved in the art world understands that desire. To bow out, jump ship, ghost or fade away from the grueling thing that is the ‘scene.’

The other night I went to a fashion show. It was cute, not my thing in some ways but I totally knew it was cool. Art people, fashion people, music people, the gang was all there. There is something silly about it all but you get why that type of event works. Glamour with detachment is always hip.

Anyways, as I was sitting there I felt this feeling I get when I’m in settings like this. This spectacle, this brand of life one lives is such farce but then I guess that’s better then nothing? Maybe? I’m not sure. It was all fine and quicker then a movie trailer but ya, being ‘scene-y’ feels somehow depleting.

The art world is perhaps not as bad as fashion. I hate art/fashion mixy-matchy, but it still is a drag as well.

But we need it.. Don’t we? Without this sense of ‘community’ what are we all doing all this for? All this is rhetorical, and I’m not sure how much I even care about the question, but alas, here we are. 2018. Still in the mire that is this hype beast of an art world.

Lozano’s pure ‘fuck it, bye’ attitude is nervy and sad at the same time. I will leave you now with the NY Times obit that gives a quick glance at this ravaging life. Smith is a bit revealing of her leanings regarding Lozano, but ya, take it as you will.

Read the book. Think about what it means to be a part of anything and ask ourselves; is that what we really want it to be like, feel like, look like and how/if we should participate in it.

Lee Lozano, 68, Conceptual Artist Who Boycotted Women for Years

Lee Lozano, an eccentric artist who pursued Conceptual Art and painting in the 1960's and then left the New York art world for self-imposed exile that included an embargo on contact with other women, died on Oct. 2 in the Dallas Health and Rehabilitation Center in Texas. She was 68 and lived in Dallas.
The cause was cervical cancer, said Mark Kramer, the artist's cousin.
Ms. Lozano was a quixotic, confounding rebel whose decadelong New York career seemed always to involve pushing one limit or another. Her early paintings, executed in an Expressionistic cartoon style, confronted issues of sexual and painterly decorum. They featured a robust messiness, distorted close-ups of the body, intimations of violence and suggestively exaggerated images of tools.
By 1967 she had taken the systemic approach of Minimalism, making nearly monochromatic ''Wave'' paintings based on wavelengths that pushed the limits of visual perception. In the mid-1960's she also began to execute a series of life-related actions (she didn't like the word performance) that tested, among other things, her stamina, her friends' patience and the conduct of everyday life. These works reflected her friendship with Conceptually inclined artists like Sol LeWitt, Hollis Frampton, Dan Graham and Carl Andre. They also reflected an increasing disenchantment with the art world that bordered on hostility.
Many of these pieces were proposed or recorded in written works that she considered drawings. Sometimes she designated everyday activities like thought, conversation or marijuana smoking as art, attracted by the idea that they were unsaleable and democratic. Her ''Throw-Up Piece'' proposed throwing the 10 most recent issues of Artforum, the leading magazine of contemporary art, in the air and letting them fall where they may. In ''Transistor Radio Piece'' she listened to a radio while attending a panel discussion on art.
In 1969 and 1970 Ms. Lozano began a steady withdrawal from the art world in works that she titled ''General Strike Piece'' and ''Dropout Piece.'' She decided to boycott women for a month or two as a means of improving communication with them. For unexplained reasons, she continued this piece to the end of her life, despite the great inconvenience and, one supposes, even greater rudeness.
Ms. Lozano was born Lee Knastner in Newark in 1930. She received a B.A. from the University of Chicago in 1951 and studied painting at the Art Institute of Chicago. A brief marriage in the late 1950's to an architect, Adrian Lozano, ended in divorce. She leaves no survivors.
Ms. Lozano had her first exhibition at the Bianchini Gallery in New York in 1966 and was then associated with the Green Gallery. In 1998 her work, long absent from the New York scene, returned when three SoHo galleries, Mitchell Algus, Rosen & Van Liere and Margarete Roeder, each showed a different phase of her painting. At the same time the Wadsworth Atheneum in Hartford exhibited her ''Wave'' paintings and notebooks. All the dealers and curators involved with these exhibitions were men.

Monday, February 5, 2018

8 Years and 365 Posts Later

Wow. Today marks going into year eight of this blog. Eight years! Well seven full years but damn. This will be post 366. Crazy. I think very soon I can say that I’m truly the last blogger alive. As you know, every Monday (with a few Tuesdays because I was travelling or too hung over/forgot) I bang on the keys and post it with little thought that it might actually be read. I’ve never had a comments section. I don’t want a dialogue. What I want is a place where I can be wholly maniacal in my brain splats and unpopular opinions.

Why do I keep doing it?! I really grumble and ask this of myself quite often, but then I think it is a fair question to ask: Why?

For people who know me IRL, I’m a quick person. I’m one of those people that don’t have any unread emails or messages or any red dots on any to do list. Hyper-productivity is the conditioning state that I thrive best in within this Capitalist structure that we are all looping in.

Labor. We are all producing or consuming labor at all times. I guess, in some bizarro-land way, my attitude is that because this is the state of things (unless you’re off the grid and you are not even reading this) and because there are really very few options within this system, the little that you can control, you should, you must. One of my ways of doing this is by being hyper productive.

I feel if I give more energy/labor/time/all of it out then perhaps there is some balancing out of all that I take in and consume from others/by others. This is daft in the big idea way but perhaps not. I actually never thought about it that much until today but ya, trying to figure out why I’m compelled to write each week and do the variety of other things I do is something to analyze I guess.

The reason why I started this thing was because my brain hurts when I have an idea and I can’t get it out. I’m not an artist but that doesn’t mean I don’t have crazy ideas that spin and connect in abstractions and then into form. In 2011 I felt like I didn’t have access or privilege or power to any apparatus that would actually validate let alone PAY me for excavating my brain into words. I still lack those things but the motivation is different now.

Now, this blog thing has become a creature of its own making. It has to be fed. Every week, I chop chop chop at the keys to make a word salad. It’s a form of something and until blogger goes defunct, I’ll keep chugging along, one of the useless in the meaningless void of meandering thoughts.

Another reason why I still do this is because I truly don’t care. I don’t care about the formality, the punctuation, even the spelling, (obvi if you read this at all). I don’t care about being polite although I’m not a caustic bitch because that’s just not my style.

My lack of caring is because I do care. I care about words, ideas, ART! And thinking about it and writing about it to understand it even just for myself feels like a survival instinct.

This is my bag, this is my thing that I have done/do but I really think other people should do things in similar ways. Not the same way, you find your own form and intention etc. but the idea of doing something sort of sloppy, messy, uncool, dumb even and exposing that is interesting/challenging/fun. There is so much restraint, control and manicuring of self-image and thoughts that it’s really a boring shame.

Art is supposed to be messy and full of failures. Writing in the most democratic of forms. Essentially free and with so much power in so many ways that it will never fully submit to forms of mastery or ownership.

Whatever it is that allows you to be more yourself/less yourself, do it. Do it and don’t care what it all means. It means nothing, everything means nothing, but it’s there and it means something to you and maybe if you’re lucky a few others.

I’m rambling at this point and getting all inspirational vibes but ya… I was appalled then happy to realize I have been doing this damn thing for so long and for those that read it, any of it at all, Thank You.

I don’t care what you think about it but I care about you.

If I’m still doing this after 20 years I’m going to throw a big party! (maybe)

Monday, January 29, 2018

My Life is Falling Apart but I Still Saw A lot of Art

CPLY at Karma

The title of this post is the truth, so I’m not going to go into that drama bag any deeper but yeah, here’s some stuff I saw that was arty or art related in some way this past week.

Koenig & Clinton Moved to Bushwick

Anyone who knows me knows I am a big Bushwick hater. Whatever. I have to get over it because duh I live there and duh, I’m probably stuck there forever because that’s just that but ya… I was surprised to see this gallery there now. It looks good, propoured floors and floating walls vibe. They had Roman Signer in the back. That was nice to see. He’s like a good-natured prankster that feels dated but calming and someone you are always happy to see, like an uncle or your grandma’s new BF.

Shows at Clearing

Still in Bushwick, yup, one of those days. I’m partial to shows that friends are in and so I can’t be too fair-minded re: shows with friends. So yup, LOVE Hannah Levy’s show at Clearing, duh. She is the real deal and she is going to be so art famous and taken vvvv seriously so ya, go see it so you can know in advance what’s going to be around for a while. It’s nice to see people working with materials again, metals, stone, and all that jazz. The other show is Rosa Aurora Rosa which is the an exhibition by Daniel Dewar & Grégory Gicquel. Very big slabs of Portuguese marble carved out with peek-a-boo shower scenes. I thought they were made by a woman. They aren’t and that changes things. Regardless, I thought a bit bulky but they are definitely impressive so there’s that. Millennial Pink and it’s sinister twins are everywhere in this space.

Richard Maxwell, Paradiso at Greene Naftali

Usually not my bagavant garde plays in ultra hip Chelsea galleries, but glad I went. Seemed like it could have been a pretensions disaster but it wasn’t. Also, a friend was involved so as soon as they came out all my cynicism melted away and was replaced by sheer pride and warmth. I’m such a sucker sometimes. The thing that saved the whole thing was that it was concise. It was only about an hour and it was paced and structures well so that it moved along even if sparse in every which way.

Hayley Silverman at Bodega

Again heart-you vibes but even with that tipped scale, this was a really nice show. Soft. Subtle, very relaxing but also a bit spooky. Use of glasswork was really nice to see. Also the lights. Nice to see lights used as an emotional synergetic material. Bodega is a tight space and this show really works with these restraints. Art that works in harmony with the architecture always feels fresh.

Karma – Group Show

Karma is the new ‘it’ ‘cool’ space. It’s good. It’s smart. This is a mix-max bag of paintings and sculptures from multi-tiers of generations and exposures hot, forgotten, or in between. There is a book history here and the idea of archive as art and art as archive is fully embraced. People want this; love it right now because there has been such a lack of content and context for a while. It’s cool; hopefully it doesn’t get the humor sucked out of it like so many other heady art things.

Women’s History Museum at Gavin Brown Enterprises

It was really not very good at all. The forcefulness of subversion in fashion/art/body politics contexts is so rarely done well but somehow seems to be the default. I also didn’t like the cutsie/deconstructed Marie Antoinette vibe that glittered throughout. Ugg, I just can’t. Sorry.

Jean-Luc Goddard at Miguel Abreu

This gallery is batting conceptual homes runs and man they love architecture. I’m usually not the hugest architecture/art fan girl but they have their nose on something here and this show is another case study for this. Basically Goddard wanted to make a museum. It fell through, here are maquettes of them. I’m into these maquettes because I like miniature things and because they make me feel like I am looking into a brain and reading a book all at the same time. It’s a little vague/flat in a way but I liked it even though it doesn’t change much of anything.

Monday, January 22, 2018

Stuart Middleton, The Gonks

Stuart Middleton, The Gonks, installation view

There is a lot going on about sexual harassment, consent, feminist agency, abuse of power, etc., etc.  It is miasmic and feels both liberating and heavy all at once. It’s a complicated and complicating subject because it is so personal and because it has so long been repressed by all players involved.

I’m not going to get into again on here, but I did want to share with you something that I magically remembered reading a few years ago. It was a part of Stuart Middleton’s show at Carlos Ishikawa in London in 2015. The show was called The Gonks, and it had a publication along with it. I remember really liking the show and finding the text perplexing, fascinating and shifting the installation in a way that was not expected.

I recommend viewing the images online here. And the most ideal way of reading the text is through their formatted PDF here, but for the sake of ease I am copy pasting it below.

I think this text is interesting because of its structure but also about the absurdity yet familiarity. I’m not taking a stance on if the narrator is villain or a symptom of some more insidious forces but read it. It’s revealing, appalling, funny and tragic.

Stuart Middleton, The Gonks

Hello Carol

Just wanted to ping you an email to say – Wow Last Night! I had a superb evening, and putting that slight mishap in the taxi aside (I’m certainly glad you didn’t let it get the better of you), can I just say that I really enjoyed your company. On my jog this morning however I did have a slightly anxious feeling that I mightn’t have communicated sufficiently to you the utmost importance that this ‘exo-work’ social activity of ours is to be kept strictly between the parties involved. Please can you confirm that you have received this email and understand what I am saying?

Don x


Hi Carol! Many thanks for your speedy reply. Are you available for dinner (7:30 pm) and perhaps the theatre this Friday evening? I have taken the liberty of booking two tickets however I will not in the slightest be put out if you already have plans as I realise it is rather late notice. Looking forward to hearing from you.



Carol Re last night: I would never normally have gone ahead with that. I want you to know that the only reason I went along with it is because you wanted me to. You did ask me to do it like that Carol and to be 100% truthful with you I’m not really into that type of thing.

I think it’s unfair that you got annoyed with me for ‘ruining the moment’ as you put it. I’m not a misogynist Carol. You know as well as I do that I treat everyone the same when it comes to whether they’re a man or a woman and the reason that I was/ am not comfortable with situations like last night is precisely because of the fact that I have a deep respect for women. That is why before we actually got down to it, when you whispered in my ear that you wanted me to do that to you, that I had to just clarify that I was only doing it for your sake and that I was deriving no personal pleasure from it (but only some pleasure as a result of seeing your pleasure for e.g.). In which case I’m sorry if being considerate ‘ruined the moment’ for you Carol. I do not harbour any secret desires whatsoever to perform anything like that on women for my own sexual pleasure and if at times, as you suggested afterwards, I seemed to be ‘getting in to it’ that was merely my natural tendency to take pride in and commit fully to what I’m doing, whatever that may be. This is something I apply to all aspects of my life, as you should know well enough by now, considering we have been colleagues for some time

There are a number of reasons why a respectful man, one who is against misogyny in any way, shape or form would be repulsed by the things you wanted me to do last night. I think that goes without saying. I must admit I was a little taken aback. I was surprised to hear that kind of talk from you Carol.

Something that you suggested last night is that (in your opinion, I’d like to add) that I have a hard time articulating ‘what I want’ in the bedroom. Well that’s because I feel that it is plainly obvious ‘what I want’ via body language etc. but if it is necessary to spell it out for the sake of compromise if we could just stick to the more romantic, ‘love making’ dynamic I’d be much more comfortable.



Well Carol, I hear you, and if that’s the case then I am willing to do that. Although in my opinion it’s demeaning for all concerned. I also feel like you are purposefully feigning ignorance to force me into stating the obvious as a way to punish me. If that’s the case here Carol, fine.


You are underestimating my strength as you know Carol I regularly go to the gym and when I’m there I do lift weights. Over time I have become very strong even though it may not be immediately obvious to the casual onlooker.

This aforementioned superior strength and weight could cause you injury, and although none might be intended by either party, things could get out of hand and with you being weaker and more sensitive I might hurt you more seriously that you thought you wanted. Bottom line here – don’t underestimate my strength Carol.

You might think that because I live alone and am ‘committed to my work’ (as stated in my prior email) that I am secretly harbouring desires of violence towards the fairer sex. This would be completely  as I consider myself a feminist Carol. Furthermore, going forward you might incorrectly read this ‘hidden urge’ into my behaviour outside of the bedroom environs which would make you unfairly resentful towards me, particularly in my role in the company as director. I believe in mindfulness in every area of my life Carol – for instance if I see the cleaner struggling with the bins on the days when I arrive early at the office, ill ask her if she’s had a good weekend etc. regardless of how many pressing tasks might be in my inbox.

I’m worried that this need of yours to be degraded as I see it is stemming from somewhere subconscious, from some past trauma (e.g. childhood) and I think you’d be better off getting professional help rather than indulging in perverse games that would probably push things further down below the surface where, ultimately they will end up doing more harm than good. The thing is Carol; I read something recently that was talking about a certain bestselling book and more generally about the effect of ‘popular culture’ (which as you know I rarely tarry with) on certain people’s heads. Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying that your desires (‘kinks’ as the aforementioned article refers to them as) aren’t ‘real’ or individual to you I’m just saying Carol that you’d better look hard at yourself in the mirror and just check its not some product of our jumped-up overly self aware mass-media times. It takes a strong person to know what you really want out of things these days. With so many subliminal campaigns, and when what your seeing is basically misogynist pornography on the sides of busses how can you be sure what you say you want, you really want and is not some collaboration between a internet trend forecaster and some equally highly paid executive’s secret fantasies? I’ve spent the last couple of days on the Internet looking into this stuff for you and its absolutely rife, let me tell you.

I know you say you want to be treated roughly Carol but I don’t believe that you really know the meaning of that. I don’t think you would actually like it as much as you think if I was to perform that.

To be frank, I just don’t understand how you could think that by being violent and rough towards you was anything other than disrespectful and/or demeaning to women in general. The last thing I want here is to be some sort hypocrite going around supporting maternity leave/women’s rights etc. in the boardroom and then indulging in sexual battery and highly misogynist rape style scenarios in the bedroom!

Furthermore if you fail to understand that more sensitive and natural ‘sweet lovemaking’ is much more meaningful and arousing for all concerned then I’m afraid we will have to curtail these meetings, which as I’m sure you would agree would be a shame Carol, because I feel that they have up to this point been highly mutually beneficial.



Hi Carol, I don’t want to throw the baby out with the bathwater. I just don’t want to engage in gratuitous ‘rough play’ in the bedroom. Simple as that. I feel I have made myself very clear. It was one time, I didn’t enjoy it and I don’t want to get into it again. End of story. Now if we could just move on from this episode it would be beneficial for all concerned.



Also I am not ‘scared I might like it too much’ whatever you mean by that I think its ridiculous to suggest and now your getting mean which is uncalled for. In the future I’d advise you to respect the ‘closed door policy’ we have in the workplace as its there for a reason. If you are seen to be allowed to walk around, barging into senior directors offices without warning etc. If you go on behaving as if you are somehow ‘above the law’ then you will arouse suspicions.


Carol, I don’t know why you are refusing to respond to my emails, text messages and various other ‘olive branches’ however I will say that the comment you made in the kitchenette this afternoon was completely and utterly childish and immature. And Carol if you think that I’m going to rise to that sort of petty jibe then you hardly know me at all. Also considering the way that Rachel sniggered when you said ‘Oh careful you don’t hurt the teabag, squeezing it so hard with that spoon’ made me think that you may have shared our clearly private conversation with a colleague. All I will say in response to this Carol is: Make 100% sure all your ling, expenses, tax etc. are in order and up to date because I’d hate to have to let you go for something as trivial as claiming petrol back for non work trips, say.

All the best



I trust this finds you well, I hope that your recent short family break was restful and re-invigorating!

The reason for my email is unfortunate however I have reason to believe that one of our employees has been regularly submitting fuel receipts for trips made in ‘personal time’ for reimbursement. As you know our expenses system operates on that same thing the rest of our systems here at Sutton Ore run on – . All it takes is for one person to abuse that trust for the whole system to be threatened. I am writing to ask your advice on which is the appropriate procedure to act on these suspicions.

Many thanks in advance

Don Donald Sutton


Dear Ms Carol Clode

I’m writing on the behalf of the board of directors and management here at Sutton Ore  to ask you to attend a disciplinary hearing regarding the fraudulent expenses claims it is suspected that you have submitted during tax year 13/14.

It is your right to assemble any defensive and/or supporting evidence on the contrary to this allegation.

I have to tell you that failure to attend the hearing will result in immediate dismissal from your post as finance officer at Sutton Ore  effective immediately.

Sorry to be the bearer of hard news, and we on the board are all certain that there is a rational explanation for this and we can get back on with being a ‘happy family’ once again as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely

Don Donald Sutton


Carol I apologise for my repeated attempts to contact you via telephone late last night. It was a gross miscalculation on my part and I wont be ‘crossing the line’ like that again you can be sure of that! Mike from  told me about the situation with your brother, which I wasn’t aware of and whilst recent events must doubtless make such personal things even more difficult to deal with, I hope you understand that we have to play some things by the book. I built this business up from the ground and I had no one looking out for me when I slipped up, no one to teach me. One of the things I’ve learnt along the way: sometimes there’s no alternative but to learn the hard way. I failed time and time again and I just hope you’ll be able to look back on this as a learning experience. And anyway its out of my hands at this point, but I wish you the very best of luck going forward.

All the best