Monday, June 13, 2011

Art World Classifieds

It’s summer time but not even the sunny days and beach getaways can make an unemployed or underemployed person get into the relaxed mode. The recent recession slapped the face of the art world in the same way one would slap a cheating lover; it leaves a shocking sting but no lasting damage. Although not back to its steroidal self, the art world, aka, the money, is flowing again but alas, it is still a dog eat dog world when it comes to jobs, fair labor practices and general transparency of this whole industry. The below are job postings for various positions in the art world in a satirist style.

Gallery Assistant
Entry Level

Contemporary art gallery is seeking an attractive recent graduate who has a BA in Art History, or English. Females who are below in weight to height average preferred, shy-gay males also expectable. Must have stylish clothes, no Old Navy, Zara, Banana Republic allowed.

Tasks include but are not limited to: Answering the telephone. Being able to telepathically know who is calling and why they are calling. Telling obtuse and aggressive artists that the gallery is not taking any submissions. Telling people there are no public restrooms. Receiving packages from delivery people. Making and purchasing coffees and lattes with micro variations of cream, milk, soy silk, half and half, sugar, splenda, sweet and low, and raw sugar. Ordering and carrying up to twelve lunch orders in one trip. Making doctor, haircut and dog sitting appointments for owners and owner’s children.

Must have working knowledge of: Computers, how to turn on and off every day, the internet, copy machine, scanner, telephone.

Knowledge of foreign languages a plus, especially German, French, Japanese and Chinese. Access or blood relation to rich or connected individuals nearly guarantees employment.

Growth potential is possible after one year or if fellow employee of greater position has a mental breakdown or becomes pregnant.

Starting and ending salary between $22-$25k, health benefits, no dental.

Associate Director
Full Time

Established art gallery in the heart of Chelsea seeks an experienced gallery associate who has three to ten years experience in the art world.

Ideal candidate will have worked for years as an underpaid gallery assistant at a low to mid tier gallery. Knowledge of the arts, other galleries and basic contemporary artists required. Most essentially, candidate must be able to talk a lot of bull to usually very uninteresting clients and make those clients buy artwork represented or affiliated with the gallery. When clients are interesting and powerful, having prowess to cultivate this relationship essential. Ability to remember clients’ children’s’ names, pets and last vacation destinations highly desirable. Ability to recall everyone’s name at any given time highly sought.

There will be no commissions, candidate should be happy to have a job in the first place. Weekends and travel required without extra pay. Ability to mind read and drink heavily without engaging in explicit social faux pas required.

There is moderate room for growth but after five years candidate will most likely seek to work on a farm, teach third grade or move to Chicago or Berlin.

Controlling, verbose, slightly manic but not drugged male or female is most suitable for this position.

Salary $35-$60k but always less then 1% of what the gallery earns quarterly

Art Handler
Part Time

Seeking strong male aged 20-45 who can lift things over their heads and measure things evenly on a wall. Candidate should have a BFA or MFA in which they overpaid for and need to slowly pay back. Ability to hammer, drill and to not break very expensive things required. Actual construction and carpentry will be done by actually experienced people.

Being invisible required, talking is not expected or requested. T-shirts, cut off shorts and bikes acceptable. Talking to clients or to females in gallery restricted. Talking to top directors or owners forbidden.

Salary $20-$25 dollars an hour. No salary negotiations as you are making almost double the girl at the front desk. No health benefits. If you cut off your hand, we will pay for the cab ride to the hospital but we are not responsible thereafter. Being disgruntled for failing art career tolerated.

Art Writer

Art magazine is seeking a freelance writer for expansion in print and online coverage of the contemporary arts. Candidate should be male, under 35 and had graduated from Columbia, Yale, Harvard, UC Berkley, or Brown. Females may be considered if graduated summa cum laude at one of the Sister Schools but cannot be an explicit lesbian or feminist. Looks do not matter, that much.

Being able to write reasonably well required. Knowledge of art history and art criticism will make this much easier for you. Writing reviews for galleries with potential ad generating revenues highly beneficial. Positive slant to be taken on 80% of reviews, 20% will be snarky or merely descriptive. Any shortcomings in writing style will be redeemed by large accompanying photographs and graphic fonts. Actually what you write will in most cases not even be read in full, as everyone only really cares that it has been printed/published.

Paid by the word, $.05 to $2.00 depending on who you are. This can terminate at any time without reason.

Artist’s Assistant
Full Time

Seeking a congenial BFA MFA grad that can be either male or female but has to be willing to do whatever I say. Depending on who I am, tasks can include: writing my emails, fixing my sink, picking up laundry, delivering art work, filing, making my art work, lying to my mother, feeding the dogs, walking the dogs, organizing my schedule, making flight arrangements, knowing where I put everything, making sure I buy a gift for my boyfriend/girlfriend for their birthday. Organizing press, liaising with everyone I don’t have time for, stretch canvases, vacuuming, labeling, painting, PowerPoint presentations, dictation, watering plants, making coffee, buying salads, managing accounts, paying yourself.

In return you will have full access to the glory and insanity that is me and it will be at times thrilling, boring, horrifying and illuminating.

Salary is $20-$30 an hour plus full benefits and 2 weeks vacation. We artists are crazy but take better care of our employees then most. Oh and as a perk you can have whatever I don’t use/throw away including; materials, clothes, food and drugs.