Monday, March 28, 2016

I’m Having a “Manic” “Episode” Get at Me if You Want to Disassemble Reality

So I was going to try to do a post about Chris Kraus’ I Love Dick but I ate a tuna melt and feel asleep so I haven’t finished it yet. I feel that’s okay though aka Kraus would totally get that. So instead I find myself sitting with makeup-less face, frizzed out hair and thinking ‘jesus it’s already 5 and I just took a three hour nap.’ So instead of even trying to shift my headgears and salvage this post I’m going to do the opposite. I’m going to unlock the crazy gate that is my mind and let it all hang out. **CAUTION** Do not proceed any further if you want to retain any good notions of me or if you think this actually reflects me.

I don’t have bi-polar for real – I have never been on any sort of medications – nor do I think I need them but I definitely think that I am a bit coocoo/crazy/nutter/cray/off my rocker some time. I think this is just fine. I think that any person with half a brain and some sense of reality is/should be a bit nuts in the face of all this life/existence crap-o-la and that being a bit zany is a necessary and healthy coping method. I think that it is sooooo shit and misogynist when men/society uses the ‘crazy’ word and its derivations to knockdown or dismiss women but that’s another story entirely. Anyways, what was I talking about again? Oh yes, that at the moment I’m being a bit ‘manic’ and that I feel up up up UP!

What does UP feel like? It feels like your blood runs faster, that your brain has more wires and that your senses are extra alert. Your brain is buzz buzz buzz all the time and you feel like you have a soundtrack playing when you walk down the street, to the shop, to the party. You feel a bit high and nervous all at once but this isn’t anxiety, I don’t understand the concept of that, it’s more like a quickening of every possible thing and mostly your brain. This feeling surges at night but in the UP time it’s not even that bad because you think, ‘sleep, what is sleep’ and you just get up and do god knows what but for me it is usually productive like reading a book in one night or cleaning out closets or thinking of a new project or the perfect sentence.

It is exhilarating but it is also laced with danger. You want to run around, jump up and down, laugh till you cry, make out with everyone, get married to an almost stranger, plan world domination with your friends, takeover the capitalist regime, disappear. Nothing is in halves. Nothing is moderate. Nothing is cautious. You relax, play, think, learn, do everything, super-duper hard. I imagine this is what people on Adderall might feel like aka why my friends say that seeing me on Adderall would be a nightmare. When you have the UP gene you are Adderall.

So right now I am not doing so much in terms of productive labor, ie. I am not trying to get more money or be more professional as I don’t buy into all that so what am I doing with all this extra juice? Well that’s the problem. When you don’t have measurably productive outlets to direct it towards it can become like a straightjacket of boredom. What do you do when you want to break/create everything but know that that would be stupid and useless? Luckily for me I have found some outlets like writing a lot and never showing it to anyone ever (like I should be doing with this thing). Reading a ton, dancing in your room alone or with friends. Singing to myself. Taking lots of showers and preening. And lastly just thinking, thinking, thinking. The brain uses the most energy of all so thinking and thinking hard is the best activity to do when you have all this extra energy (or like volunteer and help animals). This type of thinking can be learning/mastering/practicing something new or it can just be a digging deep to a core of something. It is can be abstract or processed but it has to be committed to 110%.

The things that I’m thinking about surround the idea of connection and communication. How this can be abstract and then the synchronicities of it. Too vague I know but just things like how you just watched a movie and then the book you happen to pick up mentions it in the first chapter. Or how you kiss someone new for the first time and that makes you understand them more or less at a core level. Anyways, the only way to deal with the UP when you are in it is brace yourself and dive in. If not, it will consume you and you might find yourself riding on the back of a dump truck through SoHo laughing like a wild women (like I found myself doing in one episode a few years ago).

See, this has worked. Already I am feeling a bit calmer just by writing this thing. Ahh, the sweet bliss of having done something. When you are having an UP you don’t feel tired until you feel like you are about to fall over. I’m not nearly there yet but gawd, just thinking of all the hours left in this day makes me both horrified and exhilarated.

If you are reading this and you think, ‘yes, that’s me’ then don’t fret. There are so many of us out there and we are all a-okay albeit a bit too much even for ourselves at times. For those that don’t know what the heck I’m talking about but know someone who is like this I request an open mind and patience. It’s something we can’t help. Is it made by the culture we live in? Our upbringing? Our brain wiring? Yes, probably all of those things in some combination but know that it’s a drain and strain on us more then you can imagine. People like us make life a bit crazier/more dramatic then it needs to be but we also make it hell of a lot more fun. If you are cracking up a bit at least take some of reality with you because gawd, it sort of needs it don’t you think?  

Monday, March 21, 2016

Spring Haikus

It’s spring ya’ll. Ya it just snowed but whatever. NYC weather is like the bipolar friend that you love anyways because it makes your life more interesting. I am literally feeling so ganked out from running myself ragged these past few weeks and while I sip on some orange soda and listlessly stare out into the void that is the meaning of life I will exercise at least a little part of my brain by posting some haikus.

These are all possibly (actually) very bad so please don’t hold it against me. Here’s to spring and all the sexy NYC times to come.

It has only been
Two days since you slept near me
Seventy degrees

Have not talked all day
Saw you were active online
Liked your ex girlfriend

The only thing wrong
Is the gaps between your teeth
Otherwise you’re fine

What is that building
Look blank and shrug my shoulders
Never knew don’t care

Blank blank blank blank blank
What you would find in my brain
Empty is easy

Drinking drank drunk
Wiggle your toes to music
Remember to smile

Try to be clever
Something next to something else
Clever is boring

The sun was rising
The alarm had three more hours
Close eyes lay awake

They’re going to run out
The oligarchs and Chinese
Sooner or later

Taking baby steps
Telling me all your secrets
Delete phone number

The water was green
Your eyes were green and yellow
Take perfect selfie

The best looking girl
Never talked in that city
Say what hun and laugh

Everyone I know
Is looking for something else
Lay down and close eyes

He is attractive
She is not as good looking
They must be in love

Went to the bathroom
Told him it was a nice time
Yes that’s how it is

So bad he writes me
Frantic in trying to explain
Maybe see you soon

Call you and high five
I just got my period
Boys should get cramps too

A drink a lot less
Then I did in twenty twelve
Cry a lot less too

Your face is waxy
Not sure how we ever touched
Boring food on couch

If I keep saying
That I am updateable
Turn into cat next

Secret crush on girls
When we hug our boobs will touch
Messed up pheromones

When you are typing
And your cat decides to sleep
On top of your hands

Every time you post
I imagine you smirking
You post dumb ass shit

That time when you ask
How many people you slept with
Make them answer first

Just woke up at two
Idiot regret jesus
Every god damn day

Couples who hang out
Really just want to have sex
Pretend they were drunk

Wow you bought a house
This is what my face looks like
Smile that shows my teeth

Wow you have a kid
Yes they are special
One in some billions

The past week I spent
Close to five hundred dollars
Four hundred over

Do you think I care
Humble bragging sycophant
Friends in high places

After the fifth date
We might lie in bed together
Have work the next day

Still reading that book
Started it while in London
Drink too much to read

Bored to tears she said
Text everyone that she knows
Eat melon in bed

Monday, March 14, 2016

Two Actually, Really, Very, Good Shows - Nancy Lupo, Swiss Institute and Phillipe Parreno, Gladstone Gallery

Nancy Lupo

Nancy Lupo, Parent and Parroting - Swiss Institute

This is probably the best piece I have seen in a really long time. Lupo makes sculptures out of everyday things more the things that no one really pays attention to in this case it is racks that are usually used for under-the-sink storage. Here they are set up in a “U” formation to evoke a human mouth and in that ‘mouth’ is an abundance of things.

These things are not just a spilling of messiness but rather trinkets and ornaments that give off a waft of the ritual and a touch of magic. Dental floss is tightly weaved in between the rack’s rib like arms. Baskets and stacks of oranges look like they are about to move assembly line style in the aqueduct like tubes, toilet paper is slung over the sides like sashays or a grocery list. There is more and more debris and junk-drawer like things that decorate, slyly reside or simply inhabit these fascinating kitty litter encrusted racks and they all feel so right.

The touch that Lupo has in making this work is supported by how it is installed as well. Located in the basement space, which might feel ungenerous, allows the work to be a singular piece and this placement fits with the overt yet transformed unremarkableness of the materials she uses. The exhibition space also has generic white plastic chairs that face the sculpture like some sort of waiting room, which makes the space feel even more tertiary. All this dullness heightens the magic that is effervescing from this piece, which feels strange, light, charming, and freaky all at once.

Phillipe Parreno, IF THIS THEN ELSE – Gladstone Gallery

This is a two-location affair and I only saw the show on 21st Street and I am very very excited to trek up to Gladstone’s 64th Street location to see the other component of the show. 

What is happening on 21st Street is a video work entitled Li-Yan (2016). It’s a Big, BadAss video work that engulfs you. It’s very dark the room and the imageryit’s very loud, the speakers and sounds boom and buzz your insides. Without knowing there were two shows and what it was all about, the video nevertheless sucked me in. It has a towering feeling and it is images of a park, of a street, a bench, a puddle, that are all vague but are actually in New York (the World’s Fair Globe tips you off). The scenes are vacant but the lighting is blue, dramatic, icy. There is a women walking, solitary, her heeled footsteps seem to be a metronome of some narrative that you’re not sure you are supposed to witness. The images have a circularity, not in their edits but in their composition. The sound and the images seem to be concentric and you are a part of that epicenter splash and the quite caused in the moment it/you/the thing breaks under the surface.

There is also a feeling of coldness, of wind, of some sort of shift in temperature. This feeling was made even more astonishing after reading the press release and being informed that there is another part of this show uptown and in that show there is a bioreactor anticipating rhythms and that in turn alters the space and is connected to and adjusts what is on view in the 21st street space.

It is an eerie and stunning thing when a work does something so thoroughly and is so complex even when the viewer (me) is being a lazy participant. Although I have only seen half of this show I am really, really, really excited to see the other half and then to see this part all over again and then to see if it still gives me chills, even though now I know I am supposed to be having them.

Monday, March 7, 2016

That Time...

Some of these are true. Some of these are fictions.

That time I was talking about being a little black dress and I had blood all over me and didn’t know it.

That time we saw each other in the street after not seeing each other for six years.

That time we went to the Guggenheim and we fought outside and never spoke again.

That time we ate bagels and seltzer in bed and got seeds all over the sheets.

That time we did MDMA and I fell on a curb, on my face.

That time you asked me to come over to watch a movie but I didn’t understand the concept of ‘Netflix and chill.’

That time I wore your shirt that your dad gave you, which I still have but know I will never wear again.

That time you left for the airport and I cried because I could still smell you on my nightgown.

That time we went swimming in the basin and we looked like American Apparel models and tried to pretend that we could just be friends.

That time in the car when he threw up out the window and we all laughed because we knew he would be okay.

That time you bought me seat cushions for my birthday.

That time I pretended to be someone else to get into the opening preview.

That time we had sex in the hotel shower and then our eyes were burning and red afterwards.

That time you gave me a green plastic ring you bought for fifty cents.

That time you told me that you loved me.

That time you told me you didn’t want to do this anymore.

That time when it was Fourth of July and we watched the fireworks by the water but we both knew we should have been there with someone else.

That time we went to Bard and ate ice cream and someone said how cute we were as a couple even though we didn’t date.

That time we were dancing at the Christmas party and I said you didn’t like me to someone and they asked you in front me if you didn’t like me and you said nothing.

That time we went to the park and you ran through the field with a weed pattern dress and bright furry blue coat.

That time you cried watching Untamed Hearts.

That time we went to the Penguins game for your birthday.

That time I threw up three times at work from a hangover and everyone in the office knew.

That time we were dancing on the porch and you tried to kiss me in front of my boyfriend, and you were married.

That time you apologized for saying terrible things while drunk and then you slide over and we kissed.

That time we went to Action Park and I threw up from carsickness.

That time I smoked cigarettes out the window of my mother’s childhood bedroom.

That time we watched X-files and I snuck out to have sex on the lawn in the back of the house.

That time you peed in my shoes.

That time you met me in the park even though you were sick and we ate chips and drank cider and watched the sunset.

That time we went to the shop and bought five beers in all coins.

That time we had our Chakras read and I knew then that we would be friends.

That time we made out in the back of the cab after a MoMA opening and I wasn’t wearing underwear.

That time you made me cry on a bench at five am after your gig on Halloween.

That time we danced when no one else was dancing.

That time I cried when people sang love songs during karaoke and you hugged me tight.

That time I vomited in the street because you broke up with me.

That time my nose bled because you broke up with me.

That time we got kicked out of the club because we were wrestling on the floor.

That time I returned your necklace because I didn’t want to remember you.

That time we bought fancy chocolate and tried on lots of different makeup.

That time we sat under the Olafur Eliasson and held hands.

That time we walked around Paris and got a free boat ride.

That time we got dressed up to go out but came home early because all the parties sucked.

That time you told me you slept with someone else.

That time I told you I kissed someone else.

That time we made cookies in the blizzard without having any cookie trays.

That time we went to get our nails done for my birthday.

That time we went to the Met and held hands.

That time you said goodbye and I knew I would see you again but nothing would be the same.