So I was going to try to do a post about Chris Kraus’ I Love Dick but I ate a tuna melt and feel asleep so I haven’t finished it yet. I feel that’s okay though aka Kraus would totally get that. So instead I find myself sitting with makeup-less face, frizzed out hair and thinking ‘jesus it’s already 5 and I just took a three hour nap.’ So instead of even trying to shift my headgears and salvage this post I’m going to do the opposite. I’m going to unlock the crazy gate that is my mind and let it all hang out. **CAUTION** Do not proceed any further if you want to retain any good notions of me or if you think this actually reflects me.
I don’t have bi-polar for real – I have never been on any sort of medications – nor do I think I need them but I definitely think that I am a bit coocoo/crazy/nutter/cray/off my rocker some time. I think this is just fine. I think that any person with half a brain and some sense of reality is/should be a bit nuts in the face of all this life/existence crap-o-la and that being a bit zany is a necessary and healthy coping method. I think that it is sooooo shit and misogynist when men/society uses the ‘crazy’ word and its derivations to knockdown or dismiss women but that’s another story entirely. Anyways, what was I talking about again? Oh yes, that at the moment I’m being a bit ‘manic’ and that I feel up up up UP!
What does UP feel like? It feels like your blood runs faster, that your brain has more wires and that your senses are extra alert. Your brain is buzz buzz buzz all the time and you feel like you have a soundtrack playing when you walk down the street, to the shop, to the party. You feel a bit high and nervous all at once but this isn’t anxiety, I don’t understand the concept of that, it’s more like a quickening of every possible thing and mostly your brain. This feeling surges at night but in the UP time it’s not even that bad because you think, ‘sleep, what is sleep’ and you just get up and do god knows what but for me it is usually productive like reading a book in one night or cleaning out closets or thinking of a new project or the perfect sentence.
It is exhilarating but it is also laced with danger. You want to run around, jump up and down, laugh till you cry, make out with everyone, get married to an almost stranger, plan world domination with your friends, takeover the capitalist regime, disappear. Nothing is in halves. Nothing is moderate. Nothing is cautious. You relax, play, think, learn, do everything, super-duper hard. I imagine this is what people on Adderall might feel like aka why my friends say that seeing me on Adderall would be a nightmare. When you have the UP gene you are Adderall.
So right now I am not doing so much in terms of productive labor, ie. I am not trying to get more money or be more professional as I don’t buy into all that so what am I doing with all this extra juice? Well that’s the problem. When you don’t have measurably productive outlets to direct it towards it can become like a straightjacket of boredom. What do you do when you want to break/create everything but know that that would be stupid and useless? Luckily for me I have found some outlets like writing a lot and never showing it to anyone ever (like I should be doing with this thing). Reading a ton, dancing in your room alone or with friends. Singing to myself. Taking lots of showers and preening. And lastly just thinking, thinking, thinking. The brain uses the most energy of all so thinking and thinking hard is the best activity to do when you have all this extra energy (or like volunteer and help animals). This type of thinking can be learning/mastering/practicing something new or it can just be a digging deep to a core of something. It is can be abstract or processed but it has to be committed to 110%.
The things that I’m thinking about surround the idea of connection and communication. How this can be abstract and then the synchronicities of it. Too vague I know but just things like how you just watched a movie and then the book you happen to pick up mentions it in the first chapter. Or how you kiss someone new for the first time and that makes you understand them more or less at a core level. Anyways, the only way to deal with the UP when you are in it is brace yourself and dive in. If not, it will consume you and you might find yourself riding on the back of a dump truck through SoHo laughing like a wild women (like I found myself doing in one episode a few years ago).
See, this has worked. Already I am feeling a bit calmer just by writing this thing. Ahh, the sweet bliss of having done something. When you are having an UP you don’t feel tired until you feel like you are about to fall over. I’m not nearly there yet but gawd, just thinking of all the hours left in this day makes me both horrified and exhilarated.
If you are reading this and you think, ‘yes, that’s me’ then don’t fret. There are so many of us out there and we are all a-okay albeit a bit too much even for ourselves at times. For those that don’t know what the heck I’m talking about but know someone who is like this I request an open mind and patience. It’s something we can’t help. Is it made by the culture we live in? Our upbringing? Our brain wiring? Yes, probably all of those things in some combination but know that it’s a drain and strain on us more then you can imagine. People like us make life a bit crazier/more dramatic then it needs to be but we also make it hell of a lot more fun. If you are cracking up a bit at least take some of reality with you because gawd, it sort of needs it don’t you think?