Monday, June 6, 2016

Every Time I Have To Throw a Party I Get Sick


It must be some sort of pathology. I feel ill. I feel feverish and my body feels like it is going to collapse on itself. It might be too many nights sleeping where one shouldn’t and going out too much but I think it's because I have a big event coming up and every time there is some big event I get some sort of vague illness that incapacitates me.

My grandmother used to get chronic stomach aches just before some sort of undesirable event or confrontation. I must have imbibed this social reflex because my body seems to screech to a halt when something vast is around the corner.

Why does one do this to oneself? Throwing themselves on the line for one reason or another when life can easily be lived as some sort of backdrop or prop. I wish I was a prop sometimes. Maybe a broom, one of those handmade ones that look like a witch can hop on to it. Or maybe a teapot no one ever uses. But yup, I’m not a prop.

Organizing events is easy most of the times. I actually enjoy doing it in some ways but when it is actually about to happen I feel perplexed as to why and what I’m doing. Perhaps what makes a difference is when something is planned for oneself or for others. For others there is more pressure in some ways but I think planning something for one’s own behalf is the most grueling because there is a level of embarrassment that hovers too close.

I’m literally having some sort of fever episode, so why I’m even trying to write or make any sense is beyond me. I guess I’m just trying to be honest even in this state because I tried to conjure or copy paste some thing from somewhere but that just seemed to require too much actual brain power. While this lacks any at all.

I guess I’m edging around the idea of having to do things that one doesn’t want to do and having no option but to do it and having no one to blame for that conundrum then oneself. Life is a series of having to do things we don’t want to do and I despised and still in many ways despise the falsity of it. Nothing made me want to explode more then being told to ‘smile’ as a child during family events. Regardless, we do a whole bunch of things we don’t want because there is a form of value and exchange. Expectation and reward, even if down the line. Obligation is a strange animal that we have domesticated and call baby when no one else is looking.

But we silly humans need this. It gives us structure, social ties, fills the boredom of our days and distracts from the impossible, dreadful question of who we are and what the hell we are all doing here.

So yes I have to throw a shin-dig in a few days and I hope that my horizontal corpse-like repose today will allow me to be in full fit form by then. I will have to be because even if I am about to pass out from a real or made-up illness I will ‘smile’ and make sure that the party goes on because that’s exactly what I'm supposed to do.