Monday, November 28, 2016

Grumpy, Judgy, Don’t Care

2016. Why are you still here?!!!!? I’m over it. ‘It’ meaning everything. Today is one of those days where I just do not care and because of that you readers will just get a bit of a spew. If you don’t want to be spewed on then bounce now. If you are also over everything then let’s complain and be nasty little Bs together.

In no particular order some general gripes on basic crap.

Holidays – Why do they exist? Unless children are involved I feel like there should be a socially sanctioned right to not participate. Also, why do we have to have them back to back to back? Why???

iOS Updates – I just updated my phone and I hate it. The emojis are stupid, the alarm clock is stupid, the unlocking screen thing is stupid, the text options are stupid. The design/interfacing is getting so twee and granny at the same time. ALSO why did they make the gun emoji neon green?! I need the emoji gun in my life. NEED.

News Feeds – Where’s the good news sources at? Feels dull and I just seem to have 3 tabs of NYTimes open and that’s stupid on all levels.

Talking to People – Can we just squint and raise eyebrows from now on?

Dating – SOMEONE SAVE ME! (sike, leave me alone ((save me)) )

Cat Hair – Why isn’t there a better solution then tape on a roll that you have to change after you go over just one arm?

Couples – You are annoying.

Trendy Restaurants – For people with bad taste and disposable income.

Hair – Why do I have so much on my head and in my bed? (I’m having issues with hair apparently).

Money – Going out and buying drinks for everyone is not a sound fiscal plan.

Kitchen Stuff – Seriously sometimes think I should get married just to I can get kitchen stuff. #dark

Drugs – Over it.

Miami Basel – HAAAAAAAAA. No. How are people still into this shit?

Art and Politics – You are all tourists.

Steve Bannon – Can’t express in words how much he grosses me out. Imagine stale shit in your mouth with flies. That’s about close to it.

Texting – I hate men.

Expectations – Don’t have them so I can’t be disappointed. Works like a charm. (sobs while holding cat tightly in dark room)

Social Climbers – Really? Still think that’ll work? (It does but you suck).

Clothes – The having to go and try things on and finding stuff so your flesh bag doesn’t freeze.

! – I use these way more then I mean them!

Drinking – My liver is gunna fail me but how else can I be a part of this human race?

Getting to know someone new – Can’t we just make out and have our IQ scores tattooed on our faces?

Cheese – My doctor told me to eat more dairy to prevent osteoporosis and now I’m eating a lot of cheese and it’s making me chubby.

Internet – World Wide

Blogging – As the last blogger alive I would like to let you know that this sucks.

Talented People – When you see talented people do their talents and you think what a loaf you are and feel a pang of jealously but that quickly goes away because you think ‘pizza’ and also ‘we are all going to die’ and you feel better.

People in PhD Programs – We got it. Cool. Thanks.

Polyamory – I can barely even like one person at a time! Just admit it. You want to have sex with a lot of people but also are a slave to codependency. If that’s your thing then yeah, good luck with that.

Safe Space – It’s called a grave.

Stupid People – Some people are just not very smart. This is just the truth. If you find yourself having to deal with stupid people try to be nice. If they are mean and stupid though then print a large cut out of yourself and record yourself saying “Really…you don’t say” and put it in front of the stupid person. They won’t be able to tell the difference because they are stupid.