Monday, August 28, 2017

My Boring/Busy/Beautiful Life This Past Week, Part III

It’s still August. What. The. Fuck. With that in mind I’m going to do another one of these cheat blogs wherein I type a bunch of stuff about the last week because it’s Monday. It’s still mother f-ing August and I am so brain dead and busy that I’m in actual physical pain.

Hope your summers have been as full, fun, and sometimes filled with existential doom as mine has been.

Monday 21

Went to work. It was the solar eclipse ya’ll! I was going to go to Tompkins Sq. Park and try not to burn my eyes out but then one of my co-workers got us access to the roof and had extra glasses. That was nice. Went up. Had weird ‘work’ small talk and faux conviviality and looked at the sun. The sun was pretty cool. The roof was nice. Got to see all these roofs gardens and hidden spaces and it was nice to see the city in this way. Watched a man who was sitting by himself in a stairwell on another roof (not looking at the sun). Wondered what he was doing/going through. Went home and made a stir-fry with Szechuan peppercorns and passed out at 11pm.

Tuesday 22

Went to work. Celebrated my one-year anniversary at job by getting a pedicure. Didn’t want to talk to anyone that day but somehow got trapped into a lot of small talk. Met up with friend who was staying with me from out of town at The Narrows. Drank white wine and talked about philosophy, existence of god (theodicy) and dissertations. Got a little buzzed. Made salad and sardines for dinner.

Wednesday 23

Went to work early for a meeting. Arrived late. Craved bagel but didn’t want to interrupt. Talked more then I should have but seemed okay. Went to office. Went to doctor to get new pills. Weighed myself on scale and saw I am losing wait. ‘Must eat more.’ Back to office, another meeting then another meeting. Talked to people from London about upcoming trip. Got picked up by friend in Red Hook to go to Rockaway for dinner. Talked in car and then parked near his apt and got groceries. Cooked food. Talked and then got into a weird, upsetting thing (not really a fight). Leave in not the best of terms. Listen to The Knife, Future, Junglepussy and Portishead on train ride home and try to feel less upset. Don't get back to my apt until 11:30pm. Pass out.

Thursday 24

Went to work. Feel sad about night before. Overly emotional! Leave work early to deal with mental state. Talk to friend. Take a nap, shower and get ready for evening. Take a bus to artist’s house who is reading me and my friend’s tarot cards. Go to bodega and pick up 3 Corona’s to be polite. Friend and artist and I chat and get ready for reading. Friend goes first. It seems good. I go next, I thought about one thing but the cards were all about money. It said I should be wary of an older man who is dull and who is money obsessed. The cards said if I align myself with him, it could be my ruin. Seems okay. Dash off for a dinner party in Manhattan. Train is very slow so take a cab at Delancy. Cab driver is young, 27, eating a slice of pizza and his name is Baz and he is a native New Yorker. He is nice and zips through traffic because I am late. Arrive at restaurant and everyone else is there but seems okay I am late. I’m flustered. Only know one person there. Everyone is young, dressed well and nice. One of the guys who is eating with us, his girlfriend is one of the chefs. The place is very swish. We order lots of food and wine. We are there till the place closes. I feel a bit disconnected at some points during the dinner but plow through it. Go to a speakeasy like bar. Pay for tequila shots and beer for everyone. Drink more drinks. Go to old Swat bar. See other friend there. Go to another bar and then pass out around 5am.

Friday 25

Feel incredibly hung over. Go home and shower and nap for hours. Get some food. Go to a publishing opening at Mathew. Too many people! Get me out of here! But stay and see friend read who is funny so it seems okay. Drink even though I feel pickled. Do some coke. Feel really shitty from the crappy coke for the next few hours. Go to a house party. Do more coke, feel even shittier! Talk to people but barely able to keep eyes open. Go to another thing in Bushwick but it’s a lil weird so go home and pass out.

Saturday 26

Feel completely annihilated from drinking and drug use. Lay about most of the day trying to recover. Try to be human and walk in the park with friend but give up after 15 mins. Going to see boxing match later so muster up energy and will to live. Go to park, walk to Forlini’s, drink wine and eat shitty Italian food. Go to boxing event which is in a weird/but cool Chinatown space. Get more drinks. Talk loudly and become annoying. Sort of don’t remember the fight or my behavior for most of that evening. (Yikes.) Go to old Swat bar (again) get mad at bartender for putting on shitty version of Nothing Compares to You. Slam mic on bar and get banned from karaoke like a lil freak. Feel embarrassed but also don’t remember most of the evening. (Cringing in the inside.)  Wake up entirely clothed and not sure how I got there.

Sunday 27

Dead. Meeting parents for Lunch at 2:30 in Hoboken. Feel bad that I can’t communicate/pay attention. Seems okay though. Go home to show people room in apt open for sublet. Talk to friend. Guy comes over and we get Thai food and eat in bed and watch Armageddon (terrible) and the final episode of Game of Thrones. Exhausted by 11pm. Try to read but just pass out in the AC.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Sun Stories

There was a solar eclipse today and although in NYC you couldn’t experience the “totality,” it was still something special to see.

We know so much about the science and the whys and hows of what happens during an eclipse, but even with all of that knowledge, one can’t deny the mystery, the spectacular, and the vastness of such an occurrence.

The feeling that things possess an archetypal magic is something that feels magnified in these rare events. It also feels like a respite, a pause and a welcome distraction/re-alignment.

Below are some myths about the sun from various cultures and times long ago. There are peculiar and shared manifestations in many of these and it makes you wonder how universal things are and the depth of our human desire and need to comprehend external forces in internal scales.

Enjoy and I hope you had a chance to see the eclipse and had a few moments to imagine how big and small the universe is.

Raven and the Sun, Tribe: Tsimshian 

Once the sky had no day. When the sky was clear there was some light from the stars but when it was cloudy it was very dark. Raven had put fish in the rivers and fruit trees in the land but he was saddened by the darkness. The Sun at that time was kept in a box by a chief in the sky. The Raven came to a hole in the sky and went through. He came to a spring where the chief's daughter would fetch water. He changed himself into a cedar seed and floated on the water. When the girl drank from spring she swallowed the seed without noticing and became pregnant. A boy child was born which was really Raven. As a toddler he begged to play with the yellow ball that grandfather kept in a box. He was allowed to play with the Sun and when the chief looked away he turned back into Raven and flew back through the hole in the sky.

Three Legged Rabbit, Tribe: Western Rocky 

A three-legged rabbit made himself a fourth leg from wood. The rabbit thought the Sun was too hot for comfort so he went to see what could be done. He went east at night to the place where the Sun would rise. When the Sun was half way up the Rabbit shot it with an arrow. As the Sun lay wounded on the ground the Rabbit took the white of the Suns eyes and made the clouds. He made the black part of the eyes into the sky, the kidneys into stars, and the liver into the Moon, and the heart into the night. "There!" said the Rabbit, "You will never be too hot again."

Mesopotamia, Epic of Galgamesh, c. 2000 BC.

In this ancient Sumerian story, Gilgamesh, king of Uruk, sets out on a quest for immortality to the Garden of the Sun, the land of everlasting life. To reach it, Gilgamesh must pass through the Sun's gate in the mountain of the horizon. The setting Sun disappears there and emerges from it at sunrise. A pair of terrifying scorpion-people stationed at the gate of heaven guard the Sun's path. But eventually Gilgamesh gains entrance to the next level.

E. C. Krupp postulates: "Around the 17th century BC., Mesopotamian boundary stones began to carry astronomical symbols, including that of the terrifying scorpion-man... Some scholars identify this creature as the Mesopotamian antecedent of Sagittarius, the Archer. Although no one is sure that the boundary stone scorpion-man is also meant to be the Sun's bodyguard at the gate of heaven, the constellation could have evolved from the earlier imagery through its association with the Milky Way.

Joshua 10:12-13

"On the day the Lord gave the Amorites over to Israel, Joshua said to the Lord in the presence of Israel: "O sun, stand still over Gibeon, O moon, over the Valley of Aijalon." So the sun stood still, and the moon stopped, till the nation avenged itself on its enemies, as it is written in the Book of Jashar. The sun stopped in the middle of the sky and delayed going down about a full day." 

This account of Yahweh, the Judaic & later Christian god, stopping the movement of the Sun was the basis for the Catholic Church's refusal to acknowledge Galileo's proofs that the Earth went around the Sun. The Inquisition panel argued that the Sun could not have been stopped if, indeed, it didn't travel around the Earth.

Re, Egypt

Re was known as the sun god and the creator in ancient Egypt. He took on many forms, each depending on where he was. Usually Re was portrayed with a hawk head, wearing a fiery disk like the Sun on his head. In the Underworld, the god took the form of a ram-head.

Re was the creator of our world. In the beginning of time, an egg rose from the water. Once out of his shell, Re had two children who became the atmosphere and clouds. They in turn had more children, Geb and Nut, who became the Earth and the stars. They in turn had two sons, Seth and Osiris, the father of Horus.

Re cried one day, and humans were made from his tears. He also created the four seasons for the Nile, a very important river in Egypt. Re combines with Horus to form Re-Harakhte, god of the Sun and the heavens. 

Liza, West Africa

Liza was the Sun god to the Fon people of West Africa. His sister was the Moon god Mawu. The two were twins, but were also lovers. Together, they created the Universe with the help of the cosmic serpent, Da.

It is said that Liza used his son, Gu to shape the world. Gu was the divine tool in the shape of an iron sword. He taught the people many different crafts, including ironworking.

Liza was also the god of heat, work and strength. Mawu was the goddess of night and motherhood. 

Malina, Inuit – Greenland

Malina is the Sun goddess of the Inuit people who live in Greenland.

Malina and her brother, the Moon god Anningan, lived together. They got into a terrible fight and Malina spread dirty, black grease all over her brother's face. In fear, she ran as far as she could into the sky and became the Sun. Anningan chased after her and became the Moon.

Anningan often forgets to eat, so he gets thinner as the days go by. Every month, the Moon disappears for three days while Anningan eats. He then returns to chase his sister once again.

This eternal chase makes the Sun alternate in the sky with the Moon. 

Amaterasu, Japan

Amaterasu was the Sun goddess of the oldest Japanese religion Shinto. When her brother Susanowo treated her badly, she hid in the cave of heaven and closed the entrance with an enormous stone. This made the world dark, and evil spirits came out of their hiding places.

In despair, a conference of the gods decided to trick Amaterasu into coming out by having a party near the cave. They put a big mirror in front of the cave and beautiful jewels on a tree. Uzume, the goddess of laughter, began a dance accompanied by loud music.

Hearing the music and laughter, Amaterasu was so curious that she took a look outside to find out what was going on. She was so fascinated by her own brilliant reflection in the mirror that she came out of the cave. Finally, the light covered and colored the world.

Monday, August 14, 2017

Why in the F@#!? Do I Even Blog Anymore?

Three hundred and forty. That is the number of blog posts I have done since I started this thing in 2011. You know the drill, every Monday I sit at a computer and I slam on the keys (or copy paste when very sad or hung over) until something somewhat presentable can be posted online.

Well, I really don’t know why I do it anymore. I know I have threatened to stop many times before (and that’s not what I am necessarily doing now), but I have been thinking about this whole process and trying to understand just WHY I keep it up.

This post is already way too meta but hey, my blog, my world.

I have been thinking about this because this past weekend someone told me that someone they know (that I don’t) has read my blog for some time and ‘knows’ me through it. Hearing this literally/actually made me cringe and I felt a hot flash of embarrassment.

Why would I be embarrassed when this is all a self-inflicted pursuit?! Well because I don’t think that anyone ACTUALLY reads it. I mean I know some people do but I don’t use stat counter or track any of this (purposefully so) and for those that do sometimes read it, I assume they already know me/I know them, so it doesn’t matter all that much because it’s just an extension of my zany personality, oversized ego, and weird brain waves they already know IRL.

As soon as I hear someone that I don’t know, or know only very vaguely, actually reads this thing I am faced with a reality that I truly don’t think should or does exist. Silly I know, but that’s the strange truth of it.

This got me to thinking about how we project ourselves in these strange online/mediated ways. There is this need/want to do so but it is also reflectively repulsing (at least to me). Most of what I present online are slivers of my true self and they are very controlled (or as much as the platform/medium allows).

But then I’ve been thinking, are those slivers the wholes in some way? It isn’t, I mean, nothing is ever the whole of self, but the slivers are not the wholes by any means. But what if, especially today, the slivers are all that we have to know each other? Like, what if only through these small exposed, presented parts of ourselves becomes defacto agency of the self?!

Very basic/generic philosophic thoughts I know but SERIOUSLY everyone, isn’t that a crap cake we are all serving each other?!

I know most people know this and make effort to act and project their lives in certain ways to fit or flounder these perceptions but it all feels a bit distraught, doesn’t it?

I guess getting back to the question of why the fuck do I even blog anymore, what I guess I’m getting at is that it feels so strange that I don’t grasp the reality/perception of something that I know is public, I know is read, I purposefully continue, I purposefully share, etc. etc. and how that might affect how people perceive me. It makes me feel very very weirded out to think that others are getting a sense of who “I” am through this. It is all a gaf, this is all just a small mental exercise I do so that my brain doesn’t bust open sometimes. It is so little of me it’s like nothing, but ya, I can see why it is/can be seen otherwise. (fuck)

Originally I started this blog thing to write about ‘Art’ in a serious-ish type of way. As readers know, it has devolved and has become some weird journal-esq, into the void hot mess sometimes. But that’s the nature of this beast and me and although I am do not regret it, I still can’t understand why anyone would care to keep reading it.

I guess the point of this bizzaro post is that if you have read my blog (even if I know you) please don’t tell me. It makes my face turn red and it makes me think I should stop all this nonsense and to edit myself incase some of this might actually matter.

Not that I don’t appreciate it. God, it’s cool if you waste some of your precious time with my dopey thoughts every Monday but please, please, please, don’t tell me you do. I like the bubbles and the slivers that I live in and I don’t want them to be popped or shown more than my own constructed reality can handle.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Someone Told Me, I Told Someone

My brain and body are fried. Like an egg on black pavement. So readers you will get this weird thing wherein I will write what I remember of things said to people or they said to me in the past week or so.

Someone told me that I reminded them of a thumb tack.

I told someone that I would tear them to pieces.

Someone told me that they think I’m solipsistic. I forgot what that word meant for a bit but then remember and thought, probably not.

I told someone that they should stop working as an art handler by the age of 28.

Someone told me that they had sex at my gallery.

Someone told me that they are finally ready to go on dates again.

Someone told me that they might be ready to settle down and have a husband(s).

I told someone that they looked like a character in an old timey movie.

Someone told me this girl starts fights all the time.

I told someone that they were a shooting star.

Someone told me that their family is white trash but I think with affection.

I told someone that it didn’t even seem like they even cared about astrology.

Someone told me that I was intimidating and I told them, I know.

Someone told me that their boss was a liar seeking attention.

Someone told me that their cat runs across their new railroad apartment.

I told someone that I dumped two guys within a half hour of each other.

I told someone that I knew about an author but then I realized I didn’t but just went along with it.

Someone told me they had sex in the gym this morning.

I told someone that I loved it, even though I didn’t.

Someone told me that they needed a place to crash and I told them of course.

I told someone to never contact me again and that they were a disease.

Someone told me that I am only happy when I am arguing or being loud.

Someone told me that they wish they stayed with all the rich girlfriends they used to have.

Someone told me that they think gallerists who do a lot of coke is not a good look.

Someone told me that I looked like a movie star.

I told someone that it’s terrible to be a commodity all one’s life.

Someone told me that they have been reading Capital for over a year.

Someone told me that living in New York has been their dream since they were in first grade.

I told someone that I had a kidney stone, but I don’t.

Someone told me that all they want to do is make art as much as possible.

I told someone that they should make a different type of art.

I told someone that they didn’t need invisalign because they were already psychically perfect.

I told someone I looked bad but they said they looked bad too.

Someone told me that it was the best experience they had in their life and I believed them.

I told someone to fuck-off after they said, ni hao ma.

Someone told me to date twenty three year olds.

Someone told me that their sex life is dull but they will probably get married to them anyways.

I told someone that I’m incredibly lonely but that it seems fine.