Monday, November 6, 2017

My Boring/Busy/Beautiful Life This Past Week, Part IV

It’s November. I feel like if I can just get through the next few weeks than I can survive things. Like everything. Wish me luck and hope you are all sticking in there.

Monday 30

Went to work. Don’t remember much about the day. Oh yeah, all that Not-Surprised stuff happened. That was intense. I wonder if anything will come out of it. What fickle minds we have. Went to friend’s place to podcast after work. He lives in Clinton Hill. It’s adult there. Recorded podcast. Seemed okay. Went home and ate weird leftovers. Read book and tried to sleep but have only been sleeping like 3-5 hours a night. Feel wrecked.

Tuesday 31

Went to therapist appointment but therapist forgot about it so pissed and leave. Feel like the Universe is like ‘fuuuckkk youuuu!’ to me lately. Go to work. Busy all day. Don’t remember. Go to studio visit after work. Good visit. Talk a lot and learn about artist and his work. Feels fun to do. Go home and eat more weird leftovers. Read and try to sleep but realize it’s pointless when it’s 4am and I’m still awake.

Wednesday 1

Go to work. Very busy at work. Not sure how I am able to maintain my lifestyle/projects. Go to an opening. Leave and walk to Union Square. Listen to music and almost cry when certain songs come on. Talk to friend on phone while getting treats for cats at Pet Co. Go on a date. It’s fucking terrible. Feel like the Universe is like ‘fuuuckkk youuuu!’ again. Barley hold it together in subway. Get out of subway and cry inconsolably like a lil freak on the streets. Call friend and they make me feel better. Get ready for bed and feel like I’m a shell of myself in the mirror but also know it’s all fine so seems okay. Read and try to sleep but fail again.

Thursday 2

Go to therapist. Cry a lot. Like been crying almost everyday because I’m trying to be sober and also ‘radically honest’ with others and myself. Feels bleak but meh, something to do I guess. Go to work. Insanely busy again. Feel like a ping-pong ball all week. Go to a studio visit after work. Talk and it’s chill, we don’t talk about art work so much but ideas of relationships and collaborations. Get ride home, which is nice. Eat food (I think), talk to friend on phone, read and try to sleep but fail again.

Friday 3

Go to work. Feel fucking exhausted cause I haven’t really slept for a week. Leave work early. Bail on openings because the thought of being around people makes me cringe. Meet friend at bar but don’t drink. Eat burger and fries and drink water. Smoke cigarettes and talk. Another person comes. Talk more. They are going to a party but I feel old and want to be alone. Go home and shower. Really into hot showers lately. Read and try to sleep.

Saturday 4

Wake up at 7am cause my brain is a little bitch. Go to studio visit in Gowanus. It’s so far!!! Good visit. Talk about ideas and interesting things. Go to work on a project in Chinatown/LES for a few hours. Walk to Union Square to meet friend. Sit on steps and think about how life is bizarre. Go to Astoria with friend. Not many people at event but seems chill/better that way. Eat food and drink wine. First drink in weeks and weeks. Feels good/easy/relaxed. Talk and smoke and chill outside and upstairs. Vibe starts getting a bit weird/shifting to party mode so leave. Think we might go out more but say fuck it. Home by 11:30pm. Text with person I want to meet IRL, seems like we will never meet but that’s okay too. Sleep! Like actually sleep! I guess wine is my bedtime juice. (sad/whatever)

Sunday 5

Go to Bedford L to watch NYC Marathon. Want to see friend running but don’t see him. Feel a bit weepy cause of the humanity of it all. Go to work on project in Chinatown/LES again. Leave after a few hours to friend’s marathon party. Arrive at party, sorta quite, don’t really know anyone but seems okay. Eat too much donuts, pizza, Doritos and prosciutto. Feel ill. Want to go home but intern is excited to go to an opening with me. Go back to LES. Feel fucking cranky. See show. Talk to people. Sit in back and smoke cigarettes and drinks Coors Light. Feel a bit better. Go to another opening, hug people and say hi. Go to after party. Eat more pizza and get ride home, which is nice. Feel bone tired. Feel sad but know that’s just the vibe for the month and that it will pass. Go to sleep.