Monday, November 12, 2018

My Boring/Busy/Beautiful Life This Past Week, Part VI




Doesn’t it feel like November is already over?! Anyways, what a week. Going to do one of these things cause it’s been a while and yup, can’t think deep thoughts today. Scorpio season is in full effect. I hope we all make it out alive.


Monday 5

I was soooooo depressed (read last post) but I knew I had to just trudge along and trudge along I did. Went to work and was barely cogent but got through it. Afterwards, went to gallery for a meeting to talk about a food project. It was a nice meeting. Went to drinks afterwards and felt a bit better from the buzziness of alcohol and nice conversation. Went to sleep.

Tuesday 6

Voting day! Another day where the whole ‘the universe hates me’ was still in full effect. Went to voting location and waited on a long line even though it was the short line. Sigh. They don’t have my name on record, which is insane since I just voted there for the primaries. Sigh. Fill out an affidavit ballot and walk in rain to subway. Go see therapist. Go to work. Supposed to podcast later that eve but feel like a pile of crap and it’s raining and I just can’t bare to hear the sound of my own voice so I cancel. Go home early and take a bubble bath. Feel a it better. Make hot chocolate and get a hot water bottle. Feel a bit better. Probably watch something, (don’t remember) and fall asleep.

Wednesday 7

Wake up from a crazy dream/nightmare but feel refreshed from all the sleep. Feel like today is the turning point of the depression spell; finally feel like I’m coming up for air. Feels good but also precarious. Go to work. Drop off a piece of work in Dumbo. Go back to Manhattan to kill time before meeting. Walk around Chinatown. Buy some cool, cheap clothes at a martial arts shop. Get to meeting early. Drink wine at the bar. Person comes. Eat mozzarella sticks and drink more drinks. Feel buzzy and relaxed. Person meeting seems young... Another person I know passes by, they come in and we chat. I leave the meeting but have time to kill before friends DJ set. Call friend and we agree to hang out before her set. I get those lycee like fruits that are round brown balls, clementines and soju. We make muddled fruit soju drinks and chat in her room. We get ready to go out. Go to bar for dancing. Dance. Guy comes by and we dance more. Very drunk at this point. Drink more and dance more. Someone picks me up in the air. I think it is fun. Go back in a cab and fall asleep. Can’t remember how I got home…

Thursday 8

Feel like a garbage truck ran over me. Call out of work. Make omelets then immediately need to take a nap. The drinking and depression overlap is not a good idea... Sleep most of the day. Drink seltzer, tea, more seltzer, water. Try to feel better. Go out to eat with friends in Chinatown. Feel like a slug. Eat and chat while eyes half open and wearing sweatpants. Go home and pass out.

Friday 9

Go to work. Go to specialist in Mid-town. Have to check out wtf is up with this lump in my boob. Wait for over an hour. They forgot about me. Sigh. Get mammogram. Have to do 3 times! Freaking out. Get ultra-sound. Wait in a robe with other women waiting in robes. Finally they say it’s all okay. Feel relieved! Feel elated! Feel like my body is my friend again. Supposed to do a studio visit but cancelled it. Go home and make myself a nice meal. Friend texts, she is outside. I share my dinner with her and then she leaves. I watch a baking show and then try to sleep. Insomnia, but it’s okay.

Saturday 10

Go to gallery to meet photographer. Artists come. Photographer comes. Hang out there for more then I expected waiting for photos. Go home and make a grilled cheese. Feel sleepy after eating so take a long nap. Meet up with guy and play pool. Learned how to play 9 ball. It’s fun. Go to a diner for Dominican food. Go to his apartment and chill and watch Planet Earth. Sleep.

Sunday 11

Go back to my apartment and have an urge to clean like a crazy person. Laundry, reorganizing, throwing things away, clean out drawers. Feels productive. Want to go to friends open studio but something last min comes up. Later on go to a sample sale on Canal street. Buy too much but I think that’s okay! Go to a birthday dinner. Eat a lot a drink a little. Go to arcade. Win a stuffed animal. Go home and guy comes over and we watch Planet Earth and fall asleep.

Monday, November 5, 2018

Well, I Guess I am Depressed



Okay, I surrender. I give up! Society, you win! Stick a fork in me I’m done! UGGGGGggggggggggggg is the only word/sound that I think can describe the last few weeks. I think the insanity of insignificant busy-ness, the turning of the season, the sun just ticking away and the barometric pressure karate chopping my body in two has left me in the current state of puddle-blob-weepy-dark-cloud.

I get this way sometimes. I think we all do. And most of the time I know I have to just trundle along and deal, cope, get through it and then voila (or more like, okay...) it gets less and the existential weight, doom, malaise starts to drip off you by Spring time. But let’s get serious for a second. Depression is so real. I think most people have a form of it and for those that are a bit wired differently or are missing a few cognitive plugs and well grooved behavioral pathways, depression can be more then just a momentary blip.

Depression is physical. It’s in you, on you, pushing you down and draining your brain and emotions and all the good juicy stuff that makes you someone people want to be around and someone you yourself want to be around.

Depression is patient. It will wait for you to be exhausted or exasperated or incapable of holding it at bay and then it gets you. Sometimes fast and hard, something slow and creeping but it always gets you.

Depression is embarrassing. I know nowadays people talk about it more then before but it’s still a private island most often through self-expulsion.  No one wants to be a drag. No one wants to make it heavy. No one wants to be needy in a way that is not logical in that it isn’t something that can be nursed and cured through attention and affection. It makes you feel exposed and that can lead to anger to any viewer witnessing it. It’s a double edge of self-loathing and disgusted abandonment and NO, we don't want to talk about it with you!

Depression is common. It surprises me how little we as a society cope and handle depression because it is so common. I feel (maybe wrongly) that it’s sort of crazy more people aren’t more depressed or have episodes more often. I mean look at this world we live in. This society we all cog and cling along too. How can anyone endure it, grin wittingly and not crack?

Sadness, anxiety, they are different things. They are pointed or poking out from something. An event, a tick, an idea that won’t stop churning. I’m not diminishing these types of feelings. I think they have a debilitation in their own way that scars just as deep but yeah, depression is like some smoke monster that fills your lung from out of nowhere.

So, will it get better. Yes. I’m a long sufferer of these spouts with the black blanket and while I have no idea when it will end or how to make it will end or what to do about it, I know that it will pass eventually.

I don’t really have advice to fellow sufferers. Its one of those things that is so specific and internal that to give advice seems arrogant and unnecessary.

All I can say is good luck and when we get to the other side lets remember to give a fuck about things including ourselves. 

(P.S. This isn't a cry for help! I'm fine. Don't ask me how I am. It'll just make me more depressed.)