Monday, November 5, 2018

Well, I Guess I am Depressed



Okay, I surrender. I give up! Society, you win! Stick a fork in me I’m done! UGGGGGggggggggggggg is the only word/sound that I think can describe the last few weeks. I think the insanity of insignificant busy-ness, the turning of the season, the sun just ticking away and the barometric pressure karate chopping my body in two has left me in the current state of puddle-blob-weepy-dark-cloud.

I get this way sometimes. I think we all do. And most of the time I know I have to just trundle along and deal, cope, get through it and then voila (or more like, okay...) it gets less and the existential weight, doom, malaise starts to drip off you by Spring time. But let’s get serious for a second. Depression is so real. I think most people have a form of it and for those that are a bit wired differently or are missing a few cognitive plugs and well grooved behavioral pathways, depression can be more then just a momentary blip.

Depression is physical. It’s in you, on you, pushing you down and draining your brain and emotions and all the good juicy stuff that makes you someone people want to be around and someone you yourself want to be around.

Depression is patient. It will wait for you to be exhausted or exasperated or incapable of holding it at bay and then it gets you. Sometimes fast and hard, something slow and creeping but it always gets you.

Depression is embarrassing. I know nowadays people talk about it more then before but it’s still a private island most often through self-expulsion.  No one wants to be a drag. No one wants to make it heavy. No one wants to be needy in a way that is not logical in that it isn’t something that can be nursed and cured through attention and affection. It makes you feel exposed and that can lead to anger to any viewer witnessing it. It’s a double edge of self-loathing and disgusted abandonment and NO, we don't want to talk about it with you!

Depression is common. It surprises me how little we as a society cope and handle depression because it is so common. I feel (maybe wrongly) that it’s sort of crazy more people aren’t more depressed or have episodes more often. I mean look at this world we live in. This society we all cog and cling along too. How can anyone endure it, grin wittingly and not crack?

Sadness, anxiety, they are different things. They are pointed or poking out from something. An event, a tick, an idea that won’t stop churning. I’m not diminishing these types of feelings. I think they have a debilitation in their own way that scars just as deep but yeah, depression is like some smoke monster that fills your lung from out of nowhere.

So, will it get better. Yes. I’m a long sufferer of these spouts with the black blanket and while I have no idea when it will end or how to make it will end or what to do about it, I know that it will pass eventually.

I don’t really have advice to fellow sufferers. Its one of those things that is so specific and internal that to give advice seems arrogant and unnecessary.

All I can say is good luck and when we get to the other side lets remember to give a fuck about things including ourselves. 

(P.S. This isn't a cry for help! I'm fine. Don't ask me how I am. It'll just make me more depressed.)