Friday, December 21, 2018

Checked Out

Aiyiyi, so yes, it’s Friday and I am posting this now because the last few days, weeks, probably months have been a perfect storm of busy and ennui. How are these two things spinning on the same coin? I’m not sure, but I guess it’s my way of saying that it has been this duality of social frenzy meeting with recoveries involving the necessity to do nothing at all.

This ceaseless pace and flip-flopping has made me crave being checked out. Checked out from work, life, family, friends, responsibilities, stimulation, obligation, the whole damn gamut.

And the funny thing is, is that I want to embrace this desire to be checked out. It’s like as if I feel I deserve to be able to make that choice. Do you know what I mean? This sense that you are always having to do one thing or another for something (or person) or another and you are this elastic and capable person who feels mostly happy to do it all but then you just snap or are all tangled up and all you want to do is bow out, hit pause, step out of the vortex that is your life and just watch it a bit from the outside.

Checking out is perhaps a cowardly act but also it can be seen as self-care. It’s something you can choose to do wherein it’s not about figuring it out, anything out at all, or even naming the issues or the causes. It’s merely just making it so that it doesn’t matter. It can all just wait. It all can go on without your participation.

In our society we are made to believe that volition is granted to those that are invested, are involved, are committed. But is that really what the point of this whole living is about? And I think that this impulse/this training is actually very scripted. We are not the authors of the lives we are living but performing characters that we have been allotted.

Checking out seems selfish. I have to say I feel guilt about it sometimes (a lot of the time). Somehow I have constructed such a complete and thorough version of myself in the pre-deemed obligations and personality of myself that it seems like the only thing that makes me well, valid at all. But I have reached my ‘fuck it’ point. The point where I want to just light a match to all the agendas (self created as well) and hit pause.

This checking out is also for social media. I’m dying to just turn my phone off for a week and just see what happens. What would the texture of life and oneself feel like without all this constant management and affirmation that we have selected the right path or are correctly presenting ourselves in the world?

But as you can see, even with all these grandiose persuasions, I can’t seem to completely check out, because here I am again, blah blah blahing to the void to who knows if anyone.

Well, forgive me. I am weak but I think I am speaking a version of truth for myself and maybe this resonates with some of you. I don’t want to drop out or disappear. I just want to re-center the core of my gravity and to be outside the tornado of my self-constructions. If only for a little while.

How can one do this is this day and age? I’m not sure. We are all in this gilded cage together and it seems pointless to pretend otherwise. But that’s the thing. I’m not trying to pretend. I’m not trying to take a vacation or have a rest. I just need a break, a form of stopping, pausing, a sense of choice in the lack of control over anything.

If this sounds appealing, I encourage you to try to do the same. Even if for a day, a week, or whatever you can spare. We who are fortunate enough to be able to check out once in a while should. Nothing will be gained really, but also what is there to lose?