I am busy and focusing on certain things that are usually
not focused on so my capacity for art thought wandering is filtered down. Plus it’s August, and a near perfect
one at that.
In between doing this or that today I have been thinking
about what it is that I could share with you all today that might have some meaning
to me and possibly to you. In this
manner of thinking I thought about Ernest Hemingway's short story
entitled Soldier’s Home from 1925. Nineteen twenty five seems like a
galaxy ago in many ways but the form of writing, the thing of art and the
eternalness of what it means to be human is just a speck of time from then to
now.
This is the story that always
comes to mind when I am asked about things like ‘favorite writings’ and things
like that. This is probably the
closest thing I have to a favorite short story. It is just shy of 3,000 words and it is swift to read and
heavy with the subtleties of emotion and the diffidence in the struggle to just
be. It’s a touch sad but more then
anything it feels familiar and trips up feelings that are personal and resonant.
SOLDIER'S HOME (1925)
Krebs
went to the war from a Methodist college in Kansas. There is a picture which
shows him among his fraternity brothers, all of them wearing exactly the same
height and style collar. He enlisted in the Marines in 1917 and did not return
to the United States until the second division returned from the Rhine in the
summer of 1919.
There is
a picture which shows him on the Rhone with two German girls and another
corporal. Krebs and the corporal look too big for their uniforms. The German
girls are not beautiful. The Rhine does not show in the picture.
By the
time Krebs returned to his hometown in Oklahoma the greeting of heroes was
over. He came back much too late. The men from the town who had been drafted
had all been welcomed elaborately on their return. There had been a great deal
of hysteria. Now the reaction had set in. People seemed to think it was rather
ridiculous for Krebs to be getting back so late, years after the war was over.
At first
Krebs, who had been at Belleau Wood, Soissons, the Champagne, St. Mihiel and in
the Argonne did not want to talk about the war at all. Later he felt the need
to talk but no one wanted to hear about it. His town had heard too many
atrocity stories to be thrilled by actualities. Krebs found that to be listened
to at all he had to lie and after he had done this twice he, too, had a
reaction against the war and against talking about it. A distaste for
everything that had happened to him in the war set in because of the lies he
had told. All of the times that had been able to make him feel cool and clear
inside himself when he thought of them; the times so long back when he had done
the one thing, the only thing for a man to do, easily and naturally, when he
might have done something else, now lost their cool, valuable quality and then
were lost themselves.
His lies
were quite unimportant lies and consisted in attributing to himself things
other men had seen, done or heard of, and stating as facts certain apocryphal
incidents familiar to all soldiers. Even his lies were not sensational at the
pool room. His acquaintances, who had heard detailed accounts of German women
found chained to machine guns in the Argonne and who could not comprehend, or
were barred by their patriotism from interest in, any German machine gunners
who were not chained, were not thrilled by his stories.
Krebs
acquired the nausea in regard to experience that is the result of untruth or
exaggeration, and when he occasionally met another man who had really been a
soldier and the talked a few minutes in the dressing room at a dance he fell
into the easy pose of the old soldier among other soldiers: that he had been
badly, sickeningly frightened all the time. In this way he lost everything.
During
this time, it was late summer, he was sleeping late in bed, getting up to walk
down town to the library to get a book, eating lunch at home, reading on the
front porch until he became bored and then walking down through the town to
spend the hottest hours of the day in the cool dark of the pool room. He loved
to play pool.
In the
evening he practiced on his clarinet, strolled down town, read and went to bed.
He was still a hero to his two young sisters. His mother would have given him
breakfast in bed if he had wanted it. She often came in when he was in bed and
asked him to tell her about the war, but her attention always wandered. His
father was non-committal.
Before
Krebs went away to the war he had never been allowed to drive the family motor
car. His father was in the real estate business and always wanted the car to be
at his command when he required it to take clients out into the country to show
them a piece of farm property. The car always stood outside the First National
Bank building where his father had an office on the second floor. Now, after
the war, it was still the same car.
Nothing
was changed in the town except that the young girls had grown up. But they
lived in such a complicated world of already defined alliances and shifting
feuds that Krebs did not feel the energy or the courage to break into it. He
liked to look at them, though. There were so many good-looking young girls.
Most of them had their hair cut short. When he went away only little girls wore
their hair like that or girls that were fast. They all wore sweaters and shirt
waists with round Dutch collars. It was a pattern. He liked to look at them
from the front porch as they walked on the other side of the street. He liked
to watch them walking under the shade of the trees. He liked the round Dutch
collars above their sweaters. He liked their silk stockings and flat shoes. He
liked their bobbed hair and the way they walked.
When he
was in town their appeal to him was not very strong. He did not like them when
he saw them in the Greek's ice cream parlor. He did not want them themselves
really. They were too complicated. There was something else. Vaguely he wanted
a girl but he did not want to have to work to get her. He would have liked to
have a girl but he did not want to have to spend a long time getting her. He
did not want to get into the intrigue and the politics. He did not want to have
to do any courting. He did not want to tell any more lies. It wasn't worth it.
He did
not want any consequences. He did not want any consequences ever again. He
wanted to live along without consequences. Besides he did not really need a
girl. The army had taught him that. It was all right to pose as though you had
to have a girl. Nearly everybody did that. But it wasn't true. You did not need
a girl. That was the funny thing. First a fellow boasted how girls mean nothing
to him, that he never thought of them, that they could not touch him. Then a
fellow boasted that he could not get along without girls, that he had to have
them all the time, that he could not go to sleep without them.
That was
all a lie. It was all a lie both ways. You did not need a girl unless you
thought about them. He learned that in the army. Then sooner or later you
always got one. When you were really ripe for a girl you always got one. You
did not have to think about it. Sooner or later it could come. He had learned
that in the army.
Now he
would have liked a girl if she had come to him and not wanted to talk. But here
at home it was all too complicated. He knew he could never get through it all
again. It was not worth the trouble. That was the thing about French girls and
German girls. There was not all this talking. You couldn't talk much and you
did not need to talk. It was simple and you were friends. He thought about
France and then he began to think about Germany. On the whole he had liked
Germany better. He did not want to leave Germany. He did not want to come home.
Still, he had come home. He sat on the front porch.
He liked
the girls that were walking along the other side of the street. He liked the
look of them much better than the French girls or the German girls. But the
world they were in was not the world he was in. He would like to have one of
them. But it was not worth it. They were such a nice pattern. He liked the
pattern. It was exciting. But he would not go through all the talking. He did
not want one badly enough. He liked to look at them all, though. It was not
worth it. Not now when things were getting good again.
He sat
there on the porch reading a book on the war. It was a history and he was
reading about all the engagements he had been in. It was the most interesting
reading he had ever done. He wished there were more maps. He looked forward
with a good feeling to reading all the really good histories when they would
come out with good detail maps. Now he was really learning about the war. He
had been a good soldier. That made a difference.
One
morning after he had been home about a month his mother came into his bedroom
and sat on the bed. She smoothed her apron.
"I
had a talk with your father last night, Harold," she said, "and he is
willing for you to take the car out in the evenings."
"Yeah?"
said Krebs, who was not fully awake. "Take the car out? Yeah?"
"Yes.
Your father has felt for some time that you should be able to take the car out
in the evenings whenever you wished but we only talked it over last
night."
"I'll
bet you made him," Krebs said.
"No.
It was your father's suggestion that we talk the matter over."
"Yeah.
I'll bet you made him," Krebs sat up in bed.
"Will
you come down to breakfast, Harold?" his mother said."
"As
soon as I get my clothes on," Krebs said.
His
mother went out of the room and he could hear her frying something downstairs
while he washed, shaved and dressed to go down into the dining-room for
breakfast. While he was eating breakfast, his sister brought in the mail.
"Well,
Hare," she said. "You old sleepy-head. What do you ever get up
for?"
Krebs looked at her. He liked her. She was his best sister.
"Have
you got the paper?" he asked.
She
handed him The Kansas City Star and he
shucked off its brown wrapper and opened it to the sporting page. He folded The
Star open and propped it against the water
pitcher with his cereal dish to steady it, so he could read while he ate.
"Harold,"
his mother stood in the kitchen doorway, "Harold, please don't muss up the
paper. Your father can't read his Star
if its been mussed."
"I
won't muss it," Krebs said.
His
sister sat down at the table and watched him while he read.
"We're
playing indoor over at school this afternoon," she said. "I'm going
to pitch."
"Good,"
said Krebs. "How's the old wing?"
"I
can pitch better than lots of the boys. I tell them all you taught me. The
other girls aren't much good."
"Yeah?"
said Krebs.
"I
tell them all you're my beau. Aren't you my beau, Hare?"
"You
bet."
"Couldn't
your brother really be your beau just because he's your brother?"
"I
don't know."
"Sure
you know. Couldn't you be my beau, Hare, if I was old enough and if you wanted
to?"
"Sure.
You're my girl now."
"Am
I really your girl?"
"Sure."
"Do
you love me?"
"Uh,
huh."
"Do
you love me always?"
"Sure."
"Will
you come over and watch me play indoor?"
"Maybe."
"Aw,
Hare, you don't love me. If you loved me, you'd want to come over and watch me
play indoor."
Krebs's
mother came into the dining-room from the kitchen. She carried a plate with two
fried eggs and some crisp bacon on it and a plate of buckwheat cakes.
"You
run along, Helen," she said. "I want to talk to Harold."
She put
the eggs and bacon down in front of him and brought in a jug of maple syrup for
the buckwheat cakes. Then she sat down across the table from Krebs.
"I
wish you'd put down the paper a minute, Harold," she said.
Krebs
took down the paper and folded it.
"Have
you decided what you are going to do yet, Harold?" his mother said, taking
off her glasses.
"No,"
said Krebs.
"Don't
you think it's about time?" His mother did not say this in a mean way. She
seemed worried.
"I
hadn't thought about it," Krebs said.
"God
has some work for every one to do," his mother said. "There can be no
idle hands in His Kingdom."
"I'm
not in His Kingdom," Krebs said.
"We
are all of us in His Kingdom."
Krebs
felt embarrassed and resentful as always.
"I've
worried about you too much, Harold," his mother went on. "I know the
temptations you must have been exposed to. I know how weak men are. I know what
your own dear grandfather, my own father, told us about the Civil War and I
have prayed for you. I pray for you all day long, Harold."
Krebs
looked at the bacon fat hardening on his plate.
"Your
father is worried, too," his mother went on. "He thinks you have lost
your ambition, that you haven't got a definite aim in life. Charley Simmons,
who is just your age, has a good job and is going to be married. The boys are
all settling down; they're all determined to get somewhere; you can see that
boys like Charley Simmons are on their way to being really a credit to the
community."
Krebs
said nothing.
"Don't
look that way, Harold," his mother said. "You know we love you and I
want to tell you for your own good how matters stand. Your father does not want
to hamper your freedom. He thinks you should be allowed to drive the car. If
you want to take some of the nice girls out riding with you, we are only too
pleased. We want you to enjoy yourself. But you are going to have to settle
down to work, Harold. Your father doesn't care what you start in at. All work
is honorable as he says. But you've got to make a start at something. He asked
me to speak to you this morning and then you can stop in and see him at his
office."
"Is
that all?" Krebs said.
"Yes.
Don't you love your mother dear boy?"
"No,"
Krebs said.
His
mother looked at him across the table. Her eyes were shiny. She started crying.
"I
don't love anybody," Krebs said.
It
wasn't any good. He couldn't tell her, he couldn't make her see it. It was
silly to have said it. He had only hurt her. He went over and took hold of her
arm. She was crying with her head in her hands.
"I
didn't mean it," he said. "I was just angry at something. I didn't
mean I didn't love you."
His
mother went on crying. Krebs put his arm on her shoulder.
"Can't
you believe me, mother?"
His
mother shook her head.
"Please,
please, mother. Please believe me."
"All
right," his mother said chokily. She looked up at him. "I believe
you, Harold."
Krebs
kissed her hair. She put her face up to him.
"I'm
your mother," she said. "I held you next to my heart when you were a
tiny baby."
Krebs
felt sick and vaguely nauseated.
"I
know, Mummy," he said. "I'll try and be a good boy for you."
"Would
you kneel and pray with me, Harold?" his mother asked.
They
knelt down beside the dining-room table and Krebs's mother prayed.
"Now,
you pray, Harold," she said.
"I
can't," Krebs said.
"Try,
Harold."
"I
can't."
"Do
you want me to pray for you?"
"Yes."
So his
mother prayed for him and then they stood up and Krebs kissed his mother and
went out of the house. He had tried so to keep his life from being complicated.
Still, none of it had touched him. He had felt sorry for his mother and she had
made him lie. He would go to Kansas City and get a job and she would feel all
right about it. There would be one more scene maybe before he got away. He
would not go down to his father's office. He would miss that one. He wanted his
life to go smoothly. It had just gotten going that way. Well, that was all over
now, anyway. He would go over to the schoolyard and watch Helen play indoor
baseball.