To Do List for This Week

Yoooo, I’m in Brussels. I’m at another art fair and frankly my dears I am knackered and can’t wait to get back to London, my bed, and back to living my life. Has the whirlwind abated from last week? No. But my mood has and I feel lighter, chiller and more resolved to make changes big and small for a new and improved version of moi for the coming month. Ahhh May, I hope you are as full but not as intense as April. We’ll just have to wait and see now won’t we?

With that I am going to give you another bore of a post on my bullshit brain waves because ya, I’ve been working at an art fair for hours on end and have zero brain juice to give this week. Next week, I promise to have something actually about art and actually substantial. Till then, here’s my to do list for this week.

Edit essays

Re-read essays

Hand in essays

Freak out about essays

Go to Carlos Reyes opening at Arcadia Missa

Go to Limoncello opening

Go see Oliver Laric’s show at Austrian Cultural Forum

Meet with professors for coffee

Work job 1

Work job 2

Stop smoking

Run

Go get pizza and beer with friend

Make plans with friends for next week

Take walks in the park

Get braids in hair

Totally transform wardrobe/look (or attempt to)

Make out with no one

Hang out with roommates

Compile next issue of magazine

Write article on art fairs

Write article on shows in London

Find place for friend to stay in New York

Think about a visit to New York

Think about a visit to Nancy

Think about a trip to the beach

Think about dissertation topic

Contact dissertation tutor

Deal with breakout on face

Restructure time for more reading

Stop thinking about boys

Make risotto for a friend

Contemplate nipple piercing

Talk to parents

Talk to gallery partner

Go on studio visit

Sleep at least 7 hours a night for at least 3 nights

Don’t do drugs

Eat more raw vegetables

Find Thai young coconut and drink

Go to more art shows

Pay people money

Spend less money

Send postcards and letters

Think about going to Venice

Buy more underwear

Buy white sneakers

Buy summer slippers

Email friends in New York

Get wallet for coins

Think about a trip to Paris

Finish reading novel

Return novel

Think about seeing a therapist

Make French toast

Buy edible plants and plant them in the garden

Watch animated films

Watch new Julian Moore film about memory loss

Only drink 3x a week

Think of a new hobby to learn

Research Ikebana classes in London

Go to yoga

Meditate

Download new music

Buy new lipstick

Go to perfume shop and get samples

Hug and talk to a lot of people

When Everything is Fine But You’re a Hot Mess

Like seriously. Seriously. I just can’t even today. I have drank too many drinks, smoked to many smokes, slept too few hours and have been reading and re-reading the same damn essays for too long. My eyeballs hurt. Walking in this gorgeous London weather hurts. Trying to drink water hurts. I’m that shattered.

Also on top of all this I did the classic ‘get drunk, message boy, pure regret second after sending’ thing. For the love of gawd, why why why is that something that is allowed to happen? So yeah, that feeling when you wake up and you remember things and you are seized with this panic and you check your phone and you’re like ‘please shoot me now’ once you have realized what you did. But that’s also a tricky thing. Remembering what it is you actually did. Maybe it’s better to just smudge it out, to let certain memories starve themselves in the corner of your mind.

Also, oh my god I have been eating so much and it’s not a good look. Why is food such a thing for people? Especially women and weight and all that stuff. Food, body, consumption are such intense things and it has never been an issue to me in certain ways but yeah, it’s this constant hovering factor. Overeating is an alarm bell of something mentally off balance. Thinking about food/weight is like thinking about money. Don’t do it. It’ll just make you crazed.

Crazed is actually the best word to describe my hot mess self at the moment because I feel like I am on this giant sling shot of activity and maybe today I stopped boomeranging and instead got stuck in a tree. Sometimes the momentum of life feels so much bigger then yourself and you have no choice but to go with it but wow, these last few weeks have been just crazyville staring yours truly. Ugg is anyone still even reading this?

There is also this bug that keeps banging itself into the glass door, over and over again and I just think how dumb it is and that at least I’m not a bug but then I think but wow, I totally bang myself into things (metaphorically) over and over again. Like boys and how they are just like sucking my brain out and making me into a total hot mess at the moment.

Also, my hair is a mess and in that weird growing out stage which is just so blah and also my clothes are a mess because I only came with one bag and I haven’t found good shops in London to buy new things and also the idea of buying clothes just seems like the worst thing ever at the moment. Also London being the city where wearing head to toe sweats is a-ok makes the whole dressing thing seem like such a struggle.

Also, I haven’t seen enough art and the art I have seen is a drag and the openings (private views) are just social swarms and it all feels so bleek. But then sometimes you see something or meet someone who is smart and making good art or is smart and excited about art and then you think things aren’t that bad but then you realize how over it you are and feel depressed about it again.

Wow, I have no idea where this is going. I just have to do it cause I’m a bit nuts and have set this strange task of writing something on here every Monday for the last five years which is actually totally nuts when it comes down to it.

There is a crappy magazine that Soho House publishes (why in the world are people in London so into that place??) and in it there is just pure shit articles and words like “inspiration” and “passion” all highlighted and there is this piece by Reza Aslan and it’s pure bore and in it he is saying how writing should be glamorous and writers should move to LA to get paid for writing and I just couldn’t help but roll my eyes and think how shitty everything is.

Also, I don’t want to leave London in 5 months but know I will have to because no one will marry me. Ugg. Life. But yeah, I have seriously been thinking about staying longer but I’m not sure why. I think maybe I just don’t know about New York and if I would be happy there. Out of sight out of mind for all things New York and that’s a bit scary.

I think that’s it. Sorry this is just a weird piece of garbage writing but yeah, I just sort of feel like a weird piece of garbage today. Feeling like shit is sometimes good though (maybe?) because it can’t get worse and tomorrow will be a chance to be the new version of yourself. One that doesn’t drink, smoke, say stupid shit, do stupid shit, eats well, exercises, accomplishes everything, has good skin, sleeps a lot, drinks plenty of fluids, has boys fall in love with them, is enjoyable to be around and is generally the best person ever. Lolz. Yeah right but hey, one day at a time.

Hi, I’m in Milan...

Hi, I’m in Milan and I’m at an art fair which seems to have no need to exist.

Hi, I’m in Milan and the women dress well and their hair looks good and they make walking in heals seem effortless.

Hi, I’m in Milan where the food is good but it isn’t THAT good but people keep talking about how good the food is because they are in Italy and the food is supposed to always be good.

Hi, I’m in Milan and the language is beautiful and it sounds the way it is spelled and hearing little children speak it is so melty to the heart.

Hi, I’m in Milan where you realize that the art world is a big art-band-camp and everyone hangs out in cliques and thinks that they are relevant and living lives of meaning.

Hi, I’m in Milan where I forced someone to hug me because its easier to be nice then to be mean and I thought maybe a hug would counter balance what a misogynist douche bag he is.

Hi, I’m in Milan were I’ve learned to say, grazie, prego, si, buano sera, bonjourno and that’s about it.

Hi, I’m in Milan and in an art fortress where I commiserate with my fellow dealers and drink free warm beer to get through the last hour.

Hi, I’m in Milan where things are cheaper then London and that’s just a very good feeling.

Hi, I’m in Milan where men dress in suits and are fit and tan.

Hi, I’m in Milan where men keep asking me if I’m Japanese and then I tell them I’m Korean and then they nod their head as if they knew that the whole time.

Hi, I’m in Milan where I repeat ‘Dolce & Gabanna’ in my head in a loop.

Hi, I’m in Milan where I keep googling ‘vintage prada bag’ in the hopes that my being in Milan will change the search results.

Hi, I’m in Milan where they like yellow food because they used to put gold flakes in their food for medicinal purposes.

Hi, I’m in Milan and I drank champagne and ate strawberries while thinking about my dissertation topic.

Hi, I’m in Milan where the food markets are amazing and they had five types of artichokes and buckets of strawberries and you realize that THIS is why Italy is known for their love of food.

Hi, I’m in Milan where I thought I was dying of cancer because my mouth and throat burned and my eyes welled shut and my face turned all red but then it ended up being allergies which the drugs the pharmacist gave me fixed but they also made me pass out.

Hi, I’m in Milan and had a clarifying thought that the art world is full of not very smart people who get away with it and that is a big reason why the art world is so boring and vapid.

Hi, I’m in Milan where walking everywhere by yourself makes you realize why being in a relationship is nice because walking, eating, and being by yourself all the time sort of sucks after a while.

Hi, I’m in Milan where I am avoiding people for dear life because I think art fairs turn people into bizarro versions of themselves and I want to grab their hand and run away with them to a better place but then I know that they don’t want to go anywhere and they are happy and glad to be there.

Hi, I’m in Milan where I wish certain people where here and know that if they were everything would be fun and good.

Hi, I’m in Milan where there are a lot of doggies.

Hi, I’m in Milan where buying a small motorbike seems both hot and useful.

Hi, I’m in Milan where people drive and park on the curb.

Hi, I’m in Milan where old men tisk at you if you don’t speak Italian.

Hi, I’m in Milan where things close for hours during the day and that seems chill.

Hi, I’m in Milan where they don’t have bars but have well lit shops that sell gelato, drinks, tobacco and sweets.

Hi, I’m in Milan where old people dress amazingly.

Hi, I’m in Milan where there seems to be a lot of large and small construction zones but no one constructing.

Hi, I’m in Milan where the EXPO is going on and apparently it is run by the mafia if one is to believe the graffiti.

Hi, I’m in Milan where it is sort of dirty but not too dirty and there is a lot of graffiti with anarchy symbols.

Hi, I’m in Milan and being at an art fair in this city makes you realize that the art world is a pure globalized capitalism in its most actualized form.

Hi, I’m in Milan and going to a magazine party with the same people in a new place makes me want to barf, cry and then burn it all to the ground.

Hi, I’m in Milan whose windy streets are charming and baffling if lacking google maps.

Hi, I’m in Milan where men eating gelato by themselves in the evening is just normal and great.

Hi, I’m in Milan where I’m dying for a real conversation but am self defeating since I am avoiding having to talk to anyone unless I have to because they want to pay me a lot of money for something.

Hi, I’m in Milan where you can make a new friend at the bar.

Hi, I’m in Milan where you can see amazing art and religious things.

Hi, I’m in Milan a city that seems relaxed and comfortable with itself.

Hi, I’m in Milan and I ate really amazing Sichuan Chinese food and read Adorno.

Hi, I’m in Milan and I walked in the park that has white walkways so all I wanted to do the rest of the day was to find gaudy cheap sunglasses.

Hi, I’m in Milan and I tried not overeating but then I passed a pastry stall and I ate a giant donut.

Hi, I’m in Milan and I can’t stop walking into every pastry and bread shop.

Hi, I’m in Milan and I wish I could stay longer and have more daylight and lay on the grass and drink wine, read, and take a nap with ones near and dear.

What I Did In The Last 24 Hours

So, I totally forgot it was Monday and that this is my blog day so you will get not much but what is in my head and that is a short review of what it is that I did for the last 24 hours and why I am zonked out because of it and why it has resulted in the blah of a post.

8:00pm – Got dressed to go to a party. Wore black leggings, grey sports tank, black turtleneck, silver chain necklace and sparkly bracelets.

8:30pm – Got the 37 bus to Herne Hill hoped I wouldn’t get lost getting to friend's place.

8:45-10:15pm – Hung out with friend. Drank 2 vodka and lemonades with lime in champagne glasses. Talked about art and boys and general culture things. Ate sweet chili chips with hummus and a chocolate bar with toffee. Listened to music. Put on make up, did hair in top bun. Helped friend pick out an outfit. Tried on various jewelry. Added a ring with a sparkly “R” to outfit.

10:30-11:15pm – Trains to Highbury Islington, talk about student protests and the failure of political action and the hopes of it being viable.

11:15-11:20pm – Waited in line and almost didn’t get in because didn’t have ID. Met someone we knew vaguely in line.

11:20-2:00am – Drank beers and smoked cigarettes, talked with friend and new guy from line. Other people came that we knew. Place not very crowed at first but more people came and went downstairs to dance. Danced with friends. Drank more, did balloons. Made out. Talked with boy I knew. Danced more. Did more balloons. Danced more. Crowded and lots of bros in the space so lots of shoving. Boy I know argued with a bro. Left party with boy and his friend.

2:00-2:45am – Walked then took uber for a little then walked more. Talked with people while walking.

2:45-10:30am – Sleep

10:30-1:45pm – Talk, take shower, apply makeup, borrow shirt.

1:45-2:15pm – Walk to find food.

2:15-3:00pm – Eat pho, a dad sitting next to us gets mad at his child, argue about Amercia, talk about other things, check face in the bathroom.

3:00-5:00pm – Walk around Shoreditch, Hoxton, Haggerston, canal, parks, see animals at Hackney Wick Farms, walk and talk.

5:00-6:00pm – Try to nap.

6:00-6:45pm – Train to ICA

6:45-7:15pm – At opening at ICA’s Fig. 2. Talk to people, drink blue drink, look at art. Feel tried and leave without saying goodbye.

7:15-8:15pm – Trains back to Peckham Rye.

8:15-8:30pm – Walk and smoke and think about how I forgot to blog and want to eat and need to shave my legs.

8:30pm – Email friend.

8:35pm – Eat leftover pasta.

8:40pm – Write blog post.