Monday, April 20, 2015

When Everything is Fine But You’re a Hot Mess



Like seriously. Seriously. I just can’t even today. I have drank too many drinks, smoked to many smokes, slept too few hours and have been reading and re-reading the same damn essays for too long. My eyeballs hurt. Walking in this gorgeous London weather hurts. Trying to drink water hurts. I’m that shattered.

Also on top of all this I did the classic ‘get drunk, message boy, pure regret second after sending’ thing. For the love of gawd, why why why is that something that is allowed to happen? So yeah, that feeling when you wake up and you remember things and you are seized with this panic and you check your phone and you’re like ‘please shoot me now’ once you have realized what you did. But that’s also a tricky thing. Remembering what it is you actually did. Maybe it’s better to just smudge it out, to let certain memories starve themselves in the corner of your mind.

Also, oh my god I have been eating so much and it’s not a good look. Why is food such a thing for people? Especially women and weight and all that stuff. Food, body, consumption are such intense things and it has never been an issue to me in certain ways but yeah, it’s this constant hovering factor. Overeating is an alarm bell of something mentally off balance. Thinking about food/weight is like thinking about money. Don’t do it. It’ll just make you crazed.

Crazed is actually the best word to describe my hot mess self at the moment because I feel like I am on this giant sling shot of activity and maybe today I stopped boomeranging and instead got stuck in a tree. Sometimes the momentum of life feels so much bigger then yourself and you have no choice but to go with it but wow, these last few weeks have been just crazyville staring yours truly. Ugg is anyone still even reading this?

There is also this bug that keeps banging itself into the glass door, over and over again and I just think how dumb it is and that at least I’m not a bug but then I think but wow, I totally bang myself into things (metaphorically) over and over again. Like boys and how they are just like sucking my brain out and making me into a total hot mess at the moment.

Also, my hair is a mess and in that weird growing out stage which is just so blah and also my clothes are a mess because I only came with one bag and I haven’t found good shops in London to buy new things and also the idea of buying clothes just seems like the worst thing ever at the moment. Also London being the city where wearing head to toe sweats is a-ok makes the whole dressing thing seem like such a struggle.

Also, I haven’t seen enough art and the art I have seen is a drag and the openings (private views) are just social swarms and it all feels so bleek. But then sometimes you see something or meet someone who is smart and making good art or is smart and excited about art and then you think things aren’t that bad but then you realize how over it you are and feel depressed about it again.

Wow, I have no idea where this is going. I just have to do it cause I’m a bit nuts and have set this strange task of writing something on here every Monday for the last five years which is actually totally nuts when it comes down to it.

There is a crappy magazine that Soho House publishes (why in the world are people in London so into that place??) and in it there is just pure shit articles and words like “inspiration” and “passion” all highlighted and there is this piece by Reza Aslan and it’s pure bore and in it he is saying how writing should be glamorous and writers should move to LA to get paid for writing and I just couldn’t help but roll my eyes and think how shitty everything is.

Also, I don’t want to leave London in 5 months but know I will have to because no one will marry me. Ugg. Life. But yeah, I have seriously been thinking about staying longer but I’m not sure why. I think maybe I just don’t know about New York and if I would be happy there. Out of sight out of mind for all things New York and that’s a bit scary.

I think that’s it. Sorry this is just a weird piece of garbage writing but yeah, I just sort of feel like a weird piece of garbage today. Feeling like shit is sometimes good though (maybe?) because it can’t get worse and tomorrow will be a chance to be the new version of yourself. One that doesn’t drink, smoke, say stupid shit, do stupid shit, eats well, exercises, accomplishes everything, has good skin, sleeps a lot, drinks plenty of fluids, has boys fall in love with them, is enjoyable to be around and is generally the best person ever. Lolz. Yeah right but hey, one day at a time.